Whenever
I see people quoting/referencing/parodying My
Immortal it’s always one of the same four or five lines. You know the ones.
The
iconic opening paragraph, “Hi my name is
Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair… (et
cetera).”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS
STUDENT… BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
“Then he put his thingie
into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.”
“And Loopin was
masticating to it!”
As
great as those are, I’d like to throw a spotlight on what I think are some
of the underappreciated parts of this classic work of fanfiction.
Ebony puts blood on her Count Chocula cereal instead of milk.
Enoby is canonically a weeaboo and speaks to her friends in Fangirl Japanese.
Harry’s scar is now a pentagram instead of a lightning bolt, so either he found
some sort of spell to alter the appearance of the scar or he actually took the time to carve a
pentagram into his forehead.
There is an OC named either Tom Riddle or Tom Rid who works at a “punkgoff” store
in Hogsmeade and has absolutely nothing to do with Voldemort, he just happens
to have the exact same name.
Tara somehow got Fred and George mixed up with Crabbe and Goyle.
The reason Snape doesn’t like Harry in this fic is because Snape is Christian
and Harry is a Satanist.
Marty McFly literally appears out of nowhere to help Enoby travel through “tim”
with his “tim machine.”
Chapter 11 ends with Hagrid singing along to “a gothic version of a song by 50
Cent.”
Voldemort inexplicably speaks in Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe.
Voldemort wears high heels.
Draco has a flying black Mercedes-Benz and a black MCR broom.
Snape has a Dork Mark on his penis.
Speaking of penises, Draco is apparently “hung like a stallone.” I guess Tara
is a Rambo fan?
The Hedwig/Voldemort sex scene, wherein Hedwig is a male human instead of a
female owl, for some reason.
Dumbledore flies around on his broomstick while holding a loaf of rye bread. At
least, that’s what I think Tara meant by “Sudenly
a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong
black bread.”
Oh yeah, and Dumbledore is an Avril Lavigne fanboy, because of course he is.
James Potter’s “goff” nickname is Samoro, because Tara erroneously believes
this to be the masculine form of the name Samara.
Draco’s singing voice is described as “a
cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson.”
Tara’s brief feud with her editor Raven, as chronicled in the author’s notes, may or may not have had something to do with Raven borrowing Tara’s sweater
and not giving it back. IDK, it’s unclear.
Voldemort smokes a “gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar.”
McGonagall has the best insults, like “horny simpletons” and “mediocre dunces” and probably some others I’m forgetting.
Dobby only appears once in the entire fic and literally all he does is watch
Snape and Lupin have sex, and then run away crying.
Sirius is referred to as Harry’s dogfather, and not gonna lie, even if it was a typo I
think that is a genuinely clever pun.
The Hogwarts janitor may or may not be Chuck Norris.
Tara accurately predicted how Harry would defeat Voldemort in Deathly Hallows. No, really. “nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so
voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111”
This line: “Snap stated loafing
meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly.”
And this one: “‘Crosio!’ I shited pointing my wound.
Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.”
“Azerbaijan”
“Hoes of Wax”
“Tom Bombodil”
“Cornelio Fuck”
“Professor Slutborn”
“Preacher McGongol”
“Lumpkin”
“TaEbory”
“The Bark Lord”
“Vadermort”
This is truly the classic of our generation. I want students to explicate this for AP tests.
i will never forget the Harley Quinn cosplayer that sat behind me during an O.W.Ls exam at a con and singlehandedly wiped the floor of everyone else with her HP trivia knowledge giving Slytherin house a ton of points. at the very end of the panel she leaned forward to me and silently whispered “i work as a guide at Harry Potter World at Universal” with the most evil grin on her face. what a Slytherin thing to do. well played, Harley Quinn of my dreams. well played.
the most iconic moment in musical history is during a very potter musical when Voldemort jumps out of the cauldron and takes the first step and you hear that he’s wearing tap shoes and you just Know what’s coming
Days off for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and leaving sections of the tables empty for those fasting to be able to chill away from temptation but still with friends in the common social environment. – @racheltheclumsy
Giving the Jewish students the day off on Yom Kippur bc like how the frick are you supposed to function come on (that should apply to every school not just magical ones let’s be honest here) – @weirdest-al
Hermione, however, was not concerned. At Hogwarts she was different, and that was okay. There were times when she felt lost, but never from her culture, from her faith. She fasted for Yom Kippur and feasted on honey and apples on Rosh Hashanah. – @voldemortgavemethetalk
Tina hates it when she has to be out of town for work on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Partly because she doesn’t like having to work on the High Holy Days, but if she’s honest? It’s mostly because she misses Queenie’s honey cake (and if she’s really honest? It’s because she misses Queenie). – @nifflersgelt
Queenie’s apple strudel recipe is a special one she usually makes just for Rosh Hashanah. That she made it for Jacob shows how special he already was to her even though they’d just met. – @nifflersgelt
Filch has a doctorate in art conservation and has definitely read Hogwarts A History
Actaully speaking of PoA, can we fuckin talk about Filch and his art credentials?
The portrait of the fat lady gets slashed and Dumbledore hands her off to Filch to get restored?
AND FILCH DOES IT, AND DOES IT WELL?
The next time we see her there is NO mention of anything like, oh she’s back but you can kinda see where she was cut… NO. She comes back in PEAK CONDITION.
Restored by Filch, who *has no magic.*
He restored this however many hundreds of year old painting *by hand.*
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH SKILL MUST HAVE BEEN INVOLVED HERE?
This 100% changes the character of Filch. Like I’ve only ever seen him portrayed as this kind of head janitor kind of character, movies style, but like. Why? Why would Hogwarts need that if it’s full of house elves? According to Harry Oblivious Potter, probably cause Dumbledore felt bad and gave him a shitty job but one he could at least do and still be in the wizarding world.
WRONG. It’s cause that’s not his actual job.
Listen.
Dung bomb goes off in a classroom? Long night for the house elves.
Dung bomb goes off in a 300 year old suit of armor? Long six to eight weeks for Argus Filch.
Fanged frisbee tears up an irreplaceable tapestry?
Filch.
Peeves draws dicks on a portrait of the founders?
Filch.
All these damn kids in and out of here every day acting like dumbasses and blowing stuff up when it’s already bad enough they keep tracking dirt and *breathing* all over everything?
Filch.
Now how about, how does Filch know all the secret passages? A combination of things. Probably paintings told him about some. You spend weeks restoring a portrait of someone who helped build the place which lives and moves and speaks in their voice and you’re bound to at least talk a bit, if not learn a few things. But many he probably found on his own, either by wit or by study- he’s gotta be entrenched in tr history of this place. If Binns hadn’t come back as a ghost Filch could probably teach history of magic in his place.
He keeps the place in order such that generations next will still have it, and said generations next show him no god damn respect for that. He’s bitter for a lot of excellent reasons.
This post just made my morning.
@wizardlogic@poplitealqueen curse and bless you for this post because I – I never noticed that detail. I NEVER NOTICED THAT DETAIL BUT NOW THAT YOU POINTED IT OUT “
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH SKILL MUST HAVE BEEN INVOLVED HERE?
“
YES, OP. YES I DO, BECAUSE MY MOM LITERALLY RESTORES PAINTINGS FOR A LIVING! Oil paintings are one of her specialties and this kind of repair is absolutely possible but it takes YEARS of skill and a SUPER steady hand and a GOOD EYE to do holy shit my ENTIRE VIEW OF FILCH IS UPTURNED TOPSY TURVY DERVY UPSIDEFUCKINGDOWN NOW
From what I recall:
– Slashed, you say? okay, so, if it was a “clean” cut with nothing actually missing, he would likely carefully line it back up but you have to PATCH THE BACK – which takes care and skill and KNOWLEDGE of how to do it right. Also, longer slashes (as might happen with a knife, which I think was the case here) are obviously trickier to line up, requiring more dexterity
– You patch it (if you’re doing it properly) from behind, with another piece of canvas, because canvas is good and sturdy there’s a reason we paint on it but doesn’t that mean he has scraps of the stuff just?? lying around?? or at least somebody got him some asap
– I don’t know what adhesive is used for this if it’s a SMALL slash, but depending on the size, it might be easier to “line the canvas” which means LITERALLY adhering it the original, delicate canvas to a new one with HOT MELTED WAX, which has to be melted ~just so~ so that you’re not damaging the paint (I think it might be a special wax, too, idk, I might be seeing mom tomorrow and ask?? I’ll ask about whether this is also used for the smaller patches if I can remember)
– okay but here’s the tricky part. You’ve gotten it lined up. You’ve patched it. But in order to really and truly HIDE the former tear……..you need to likely do a tiny bit of INPAINTING
– fun fact: this is what it sounds like. You’re painting in the missing parts or messed up parts.
-This means Filch has to have a GOOD eye for color and pattern, and STEADY hand with a brush, because the tear is NOT noticeable.
– he likely also has a good knowledge of the ingredients of oil paint and how to mix/thin/thicken them properly!! FILCH HAS ART TRAINING. LITERALLY. HE’S BEEN TRAINED IN THIS. HE HAS TO BE.
– SIDEBAR: We know (thanks to Colin Creevey’s babbling in Book 2) that Wizarding Photographs move because during the development process, you use some sort of potion to magic it. I would lay good money that there’s something similar that gets added to oil paints, possibly enchanted linseed oil or something, something that would be in the BASE of the paint, since it’s found in all the colors of the magical paintings. He knows how to mix this in, he’s gotta, otherwise this poor woman would have like, a glitch in her painting, right? That’s my headcanon there.
– OH OH I FORGOT!! you never ever EVER want to “match the dirt” on an antique painting you want to match the actual original colors as best you can, so HE HAS TO STRIP THE ORIGINAL VARNISH AND ANY DIRT ON OR UNDER IT BEFORE HE INPAINTS
– THIS IS AN EXTREMELY LONG, DELICATE PROCESS USING OFTEN-NASTY CHEMICAL SOLVENTS. You do it goddamn inch by inch!! with like, Q-tops and cotton balls!! Alternatively, you can use your own spit with Q-tips and Cotton Balls, because spit is the most gentle solvent of all (there’s your Gross Handy Art Restoration Fact of the Day), but either way, jesus, this is a LONG process, it’s EXTREMELY tedious and a lot of really REALLY careful work. Like. My mom, and any decent restorer, will tend to charge HUNDREDS for most restorations, or thousands of dollars for particularly large ones. She charges by one of several Difficulty levels, plus by the square inch because, yeah….that’s a lot of labor. how fucking. big is this painting again???
– then there’s the revarnishing step, because you gotta PROTECT the future painting. or rather, there’s TWO varnishing steps, IIRC because you don’t really want your retouch work to directly lay on the original if you can help it, apaprently? you want it to be removable if you fuck it up or need to redo the repair at any point, apparently?? or something like that. My mom, at least, always does a layer of varnish (tedious in its own right, brushed on carefully to avoid bubbles or streaks) lets it dry for I want to say a day or two it could be longer (I’ll try to remember to ask) and THEN only THEN does she do the inpainting. which you ALSO varnish over. and let dry.
so uh, this might be another case of Jo REALLY getting her timelines awful messy because there’s no fucking way that think took under a few days to fix?? I think we’re looking at over a week MINIMUM, if Filch was really going at it, and that is my not-quite-professional opinion, it might actually be longer
I’m not saying the only way we can reconcile this is by Filch using a time turner to take the painting back in time and start work on it before the fucking school year even starts, but I AM saying that’s one of the only plausible ways I can see that painting getting repaired WITHOUT MAGIC that quickly
but my god, that man must have a really good artistic eye. and like.
it just occurred to me. he’s a squib. he couldn’t get a proper magical education at someplace like Hogwarts, since he cant’ do Charms or Transfigurations or the like, so like?? did he?? go to like a muggle college or something?? did he go to literal art school?? how did that mesh with the magical components of the paintings and other art he might be working on??
DO WIZARDS HAVE AN ART SCHOOL???
ARE ALL WIZARD ARTISTS SELF-TAUGHT?? WAS LEONARDO A WIZARD?? WAS HE SQUIB??? IS THAT WHY HE INVENTED FLYING MACHINE CONCEPTS, BECAUSE HE COULDN”T USE A BROOM?????????
I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE BEEN OBSESSING OVER HOW THERE CANNOT POSSIBLY BE ONLY ONE AMERICAN WIZARDING SCHOOL WHEN I COULD HAVE QUESTIONED HOW THEY FUCK THEY HAVE MAGNIFICENT ENCHANTED ART AND TAPESTRIES WITHOUT HAVING WIZARD ART SCHOOLS
and
……….fffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck now i want to fic this??? a little??
@vorpalgirl You made an already brilliant post even more brilliant.
Ok so I’ve been seeing a ton of those ‘we need more representation at hogwarts’ posts and I was like hell why not more Jewish representation at Hogwarts (and like everywhere else but that’s another story). No like imagine though
parents calling/or I guess writing the school to make sure that their kids get a kosher meal option and that there’s a good Jewish presence
having Friday night and Saturday morning and Holiday services in the room of requirement
bar and bat mitzvahs would be fuckin epic like imagine having your bar or bat mitzvah in the Great Hall like hot damn people would talk about that for centuries like what was your bar/bat mitzvah theme? oh just REAL LIFE WIZARDING MAGIC
on a more depressing note learning about how Voldemort tried to wipe out anyone who wasn’t pureblood brings up too many Holocaust parallels and is actually extremely upsetting to many students/ many of the Jewish kids teach their non-muggleborn friends about the Holocaust when they ask why they’re getting so distraught
but on a lighter note Hannukah at Hogwarts would be fuckin awesome. like Slytherin students charming their dreidels so they can win every time, Hufflepuffs making everyone homemade gifts and shit, EVERYONE fucking making latkes bc those rule, also the kitchen elves being like wtf is a latke and the students being like prepare to have your mind fuckin blown
giving the Jewish students the day off on Yom Kippur bc like how the frick are you supposed to function come on (that should apply to every school not just magical ones let’s be honest here)
accidentally saying spells in Hebrew because if you grew up learning Hebrew and English it’s gonna slip out when speaking another foreign language (happens to me all the time in Spanish)
getting howlers from concerned mothers who just want you to call back or write back because they love you and they want to make sure you’re warm and well fed (but they remind you that the cooking will never be as good as their own, and your mom is probably right, you miss her brisket and kugel) and if you’re dating anyone make sure it’s a nice jewish boy/girl!
religious kids arguing over what kind of magic is okay to use on Shabbat and holidays
religious kids getting kippot that match their respective houses
religious kids davening in their common rooms each morning
having a succah in the courtyard on Succot, but it does the bigger on the inside thing like the tents at the Quidditch world cup, so on the outside it looks pretty small and humble but you get inside and it’s like decked the fuck out and there’s candy from honeydukes everywhere and it’s just amazing
dressing up on Halloween and Purim and giving shalach manot to their friends and professors
WHY CANT YOU EAT BREAD FOR THE WHOLE WEEK? This question comes up whether you’re in the wizarding world or not let’s face it.
HOGWARTS SEDERS. The great hall decorated for the Seder. those long ass Hogwarts tables decorated with like ten Seder plates because they are so long. Students staying up way past their bedtime because it’s the Seder and that’s just what you do. all the kids who were at the Seder just wiped out in classes the next day.
Jewish wizards charming matzah into actually tasting decent (what a thought)
Jewish wizards inviting their non Jewish friends to Seders and Friday night dinners
Introducing friends to the magical bread that is Challah and kids being like ‘damn son I do magic all day every day but this is true magic’
Jewish wizard couples just because
Celebrating Israeli Independence Day at Hogwarts (that would be a dream come true holy moly) like cooking falafel and stuff with the kitchen elves that would be amazing
AU where Minerva McGonagall has a little less faith in Albus Dumbledore so she does agree to leave Harry at the Dursleys.
But then proceeds to move right in next door with her wife because Albus never said that she couldn’t.
So Harry grows up with two grandmalike aunties next door, who basically finnagle him into living with them in all but name. It’s great, until he gets to Hogwarts because he keeps accidentally calling McGonagall Aunt Min instead of Professor.
The more I think about this the better it gets because suddenly a small biracial orphan appearing on the Dursley’s doorstep is less scandalous and gossip worthy in the
pasty ass white suburbia of Privet Drive, when it’s compared to the elderly lesbian interracial couple who moved in next door.
Okay this has an amazing amount of potential for Harry, but I am very filled with curiosity about Minerva’s wife.
1) Who is she? and more importantly
2) How did this marriage come to pass?
I mean I am all for Minerva McGonagall having had a wife already at this juncture in her life, but consider
1) Utter BAMF who is acknowledged to be out of everyone’s league Minerva McGonagall walking into a Ministry break room full of lady Aurors and the like and saying, “I have a child that needs looking after and a neighborhood full of prats who need scandalizing and will marry the first woman to say yes” and there is a moment’s shock and then the verbal equivalent of half a dozen bridesmaids diving for the bouquet with one clear winner who was a split second faster on the uptake and they end up in love by the time Harry is old enough to toddle properly.
2) The house next door is being sold by the daughter of its occupant who just inherited it and wants nothing to do with Little Whinging except to inflict herself on all the narrow-minded bastards long enough to get a good price for it; when Minerva walks in the door there is a mental adjustment that leaves her swooning (or maybe that’s Minerva) and after tea, dinner, and certain other activities she invites Minerva to live with her instead of selling it.
3) Minerva specifically tracks down the schoolmate she knows to be best at making stupid people regret everything, and asks her to pretend to be her wife, share a house in Little Whinging with her, and help keep an eye on Harry Potter. Both of them solidly overestimated their ability to keep the relationship fake.
A black Hermione Granger trying to teach a bi-racial Harry Potter how to care for his natural hair
This includes introducing him to the beauty that is castor oil, shea butter, and peppermint oil
“Harry….you can’t brush your hair while it’s dry.”
Harry sitting between Hermione’s legs in the common room doing homework while Hermione greases his scalp
Hermione making his curls looks beautifully defined for the first time and Harry thinking it’s literally the most magical thing she’s ever done
Hermione mixing up oils for Harry’s hair like a freaking Potions Master because she knows the Dursley’s only give Harry the barest off essentials to take care of himself
Harry secretly having a Gryffindor colored (red on the outside and gold on the inside) silk bonnet that was a gift from Hermione one Christmas
Harry is so adorably embarrassed by said bonnet that he transfigures it into silk pillow cases for his bed
Hermione wants to be upset that he won’t just wear the bonnet but is too impressed at Harry’s transfiguration to be mad
Hermione forcing Harry to teach her the spell he used to do it and forgiving him
Hermione Granger just generally being the beautiful black Goddess I imagine her to be in my head and spreading her black girl magic everywhere by helping Harry naviglate things about his identity he’s super lost about
DarkestElemental616 