jewish dad jokes are next level my friend started dating a dude named elijah and upon meeting him for the first time her dad greeted him saying “oh it’s so good to finally meet you after setting a place for you every seder” like how can you top that
So, as it’s roughly explained, the state alchemist program is a kind of “recruit potential human sacrifices” mechanism, with a side-order of “brute strength for the army”. But basically, the state alchemist title is mostly about being a researcher–given people like Shou Tucker exist, and given that the only requirement to stay a state alchemist is to submit a yearly report of your research that says “look I’m still being a useful scientist”.
So far, so far this is sensible, yeah? Father and the delightful children from down the lane are running a recruitment program for potential human sacrifices. So sure–butter them up! Give them lots of money, get them buddy-buddy with the government, and give them endless resources for research. It’s be pretty easy to trick a state alchemist in that position to open the portal if Sugar DaddyBradley is nudging them to do it.
And I’m still willing to go with this logic for the whole “draft the state alchemists into war” move. They make it pretty clear that was something of a last-ditch effort. And the blood transmutation circle around Amestris was an absolute necessity for Father’s plan. So the risk of a few state alchemists dying or resigning from your Potential Sacrifice Pool is worth it for the completion of the circle.
Now. To get to my fucking thought.
Edward fucking Elric. This fucking fight-me 12 year old troglodyte shows up to the exam and performs circle-less transmutation in front of mother fucking Bradley, demonstrating to one of the seven Actual Fucking Homunculi that he’d already opened the portal. Ed was literally prepped as a human sacrifice before he showed up to Central. A fully set human sacrifice showed up at the homunculi’s door, said “hey look what I can do!”, proved he’d opened the mother fucking portal already, and said “hey yeah hire me”. Human sacrifice, free shipping, no assembly required, handcuffs not included!
They could have just tossed Ed into a shoebox and kept him there until the Promised Day. They wouldn’t even need to make up an excuse he attacked the f u c k i n g president. That’s fucking treason babey. He’s 12, he’s an orphan, he’s from a rural town in buttfuck nowhere, he’s literally the easiest person alive to disappear.They could have arrested him for assassination crimes, kept him in gay baby jail, and just popped him out for the Promised Day
What do they do instead?! “Oh lmao this kid’s great. Let’s give him infinite money, no supervision, no governmental responsibilities, access to all our secret resources, and toss him on a train to who-the-fuck-knows-where-land”
They fucking did that
And like? They then had the audacity to be concerned when Edward “Fight Me” Elric almost got himself killed about 293 times. Just an endless game of “I thought u were watching him” from one homunculus to another when Ed fucking absconds half-way across the globe to go entice some other hostile entity into murdering him to death. That’s the whole series. Every arc is Ed baiting death while the homunculi are in the background like “:/ wish he wouldn’t do that”
This only gets worse when you consider they later learned Al opened the portal too because really?? These two stab-happy globe-trotting public menaces are 40% of your final evil plan for godhood. 40%. Almost half. You couldn’t fucking set aside a cardboard box to keep these idiots in?
We all knew Father was terrible at planning when we learned his thousands-of-years-in-the-making-plan involved him procrastinating until the last five minutes to get his last sacrifice, while he was?? playing chess in his fucking basement, I guess. But it’s like every time I think about it like really think about it I find 7 more reasons Father was a fucking shit idiot moron, king of the stupid fucking idiot club, flesh and blood founder of seven other established dumbasses, all living in their idiot hovel under central, just giving random dumbass 12 year olds infinite money, j u s t b e c a u s e.
People in the replies trying to explain Father’s actions fall into one of three categories
Father didn’t baby-gate Ed because humans are like ants to him and he had no concept of how thoroughly Ed and co. could fuck his shit up
Father and the Hot Topic Brigade didn’t lock Ed up because they recognized the unbridled chaotic 12-year-old energy compressed into such a small vessel and they understood no jail cell on earth would reliably hold this thing
Father and his sin-sonas didn’t put Ed in a box because locking Ed away in their lair would mean dealing with Edward Elric day-in and day-out in their own home for the next four years and frankly even godhood isn’t worth certain flavors of hell.
I would like to add that this entire plan hinged on literally nobody wondering why their country was a perfect circle, when that country regularly uses circles to do alchemy. For like…thousands of years. And it worked until like the last two months.
Oh no, okay the first thing you got to do is get rid of any evidence. Anything that you remember touching or you even faintly think you touched, clean it good. Or you could just burn down the building. Anyway, the body, dump it in a lake, set it on fire or feed it to pigs. Once you finish that, contact me and wait further instructions.
Good to know y’all got my back Jesus Christ
I did kill someone, but relax, they were fictional.
#writerproblems
Arson is a terrible way to dispose of a body. The police are more likely to actively pursue a murderer if they also did thousands in property damage (because sadly property is more important than people). My suggestion is to dump the body. Tie them to cinder blocks at the waist, so the weight is around their center of gravity. Then throw them in a lake, preferably as far from the shore as possible. Avoid the sea, because the current will push the body to shore, and avoid water about 20 degrees Celsius, because warm water will cause the body to float regardless of how much weight is on it. Water will also destroy any trace evidence, so you no longer have to worry about that.
I promise I did this research for my novel.
I love the writing community.
Are we writers? Are we murderers? You’ll never know.
do you think the dc universe has a news site like the onion that’s just like…
“meddling parents still alive, preventing bruce wayne from adopting yet anther orphan”
“new study shows that 87% of all americans class superman as american citizen despite being born on a different planet, but only 49% avoided eye contact when asked about why martian manhunter doesn’t count”
“area woman thanking her lucky stars that batman and superman fell out on the same day she was due to go to boss’ niece’s bat mitzvah”
“arkham guard astonished by trip to iron heights, only now learning what locks are for”
“area man pretty sure he should be making more than $60k a year if his boss has 10 billion dollars to waste on robotic exosuit”
“breaking news: lex luthor sues superman for loss of earnings, claims that continually losing fights to him is negatively affecting his work ethic”
“Hub City mayor declares state of unemergency after two hours without a violent crime”
“grown man who dresses in halloween costume every night thinks clown his biggest problem”
“disappointed child realizes Booster Gold at birthday party the real one, not just a guy in a costume”
“drunk Aquaman rampages through ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ ride”
“new Teen Titan not attached to any Justice League member wonders why they’ve been issued a uniform with a red shirt”
“Earth totally not a tax haven, say Green Lantern Corps as they assign eighth lantern to same planet”
“’no one knows how to stop him’ says armed police officer as non-powered clown-themed supervillain begins 82nd massacre this year”
“bruce wayne’s children accused of domestic violence after bruce wayne shows up to work with a cast on his arm and leg”
“superman added to fbi’s most wanted list after crashing into a very important dam”
“superman caught entering bruce wayne’s penthouse half an hour after batman reportedly left- a forbidden romance or one night stands?”
“Nation shocked and worried as President Luthor goes twenty four hours without ranting about the Danger Posed by Aliens on Twitter”
“Metal detectors continue to impede Robot Man’s ability to prevent plane hijackings”
“Wonder Woman claims “Constant kinkshaming from the hostages” the reason she allowed supervillain to banish bus full of people into a limbo dimension”
“Fifth historian this month reduced to tears attempting to make sense of repeatedly rebooted planets past”
“Healthy baby boy born to parents with Ridiculously Evil Sounding Last Name almost certainly going to grow up to become a supervillain”
“Rampage prevents rampage in Metropolis, Riot continues to act as his name implies he would to be less confusing”
“Will Magnus insists creation of beautiful large breasted robot girl programmed to be in love with him ‘Totally not a sex thing’ to disbelieving crowd at his TED Talk”
“Justice League International now forced to work out of trailer home, considering rebranding as Justice League Jersey”
“Local man thinks Themyscira is discriminating against him and his plans to open a Hooters there”
“Sideways to press: “Stop saying I’m Spider-man”“
“Doom Patrol to consider rebranding after realizing they don’t patrol doom that often”
“Elasti-girl sues Disney for copyright infringement”
“Pizza delivery man struggling to deliver to Watchtower”
“Local man getting real sick and tired of his car getting thrown at supervillains”
“Another physicist cracks while struggling to explain Flash’s powers”
““I don’t kill” says local bat enthusiast who apparently does not know what repeated blunt force trauma to their skulls is actually doing to the muggers and supervillains he beats senseless”
“Shockwave forced to halt crime spree after legal injunction from Hasbro demanding he cease all acitvities under that name”
“Atheists “Deeply annoyed” by Ares the God of War’s continued insistence that he does, in fact, exist”
“Birthday clown unemployment crisis in Gotham continues to worsen”
“Roscoe Dillon invited to lead Central City Pride Parade following confusion over what kind of Top he is”
“J’onn Jones causes frustration at local karaoke bar once again by repeatedly saying “Yes” during singers attempt to perform “Life on Mars” by David Bowie”
“Do ghosts exist? Jim Craddock, The Spectre and the Haunted Tank weigh in on this divisive topic”
“Orphaned child somehow goes another year without swearing to spend rest of his life warring on all criminals, experts remain baffled how this possible”
A haunted doll mistaking a creepy android to be a bigger, stronger, haunted doll, and the creepy android mistaking the haunted doll as a smaller, sassier android.
Android: [gets hit with rain water and short circuits] Haunted Doll: H̷O̷L̴Y̷ ̶W̵A̷T̸E̷R̶ ̵W̴A̵T̴C̵H̴ ̶O̶U̷T̴
Haunted Doll, dying: N̶E̵E̸D̷ ̷S̸O̵U̵L̸S̷ Android: [opens the haunted doll’s back and replaces the batteries] Haunted Doll: A̶C̶C̷E̷P̸T̶A̷B̸L̵E̴ ̷S̴U̴B̸S̵T̸I̷T̷U̴T̵E̴
Android: [transfers their data into a better body] Haunted Doll: A̸ ̵F̴L̸A̷W̵L̷E̴S̵S̷ ̷B̶O̸D̶Y̵ ̷P̶O̵S̶S̵E̷S̶S̵I̷O̷N̴
I would love to see this movie or story. A creepy looking android that gained sentience and on the run decides to adopt this weird tiny abandoned android which is a haunted doll. They have some cute adventures where the android is all protective and caring to their new friend in their own way and the doll is trying to teach this giant doll how to use his ghost powers in that body and murdering people who pose a threat to them. Maybe complaining about how technologically advanced has changed the world so much and how they feel lost in it despite being here for so long. At best the android thinks the doll is talking about becoming obsolite, and at worst (but funnier) they think the doll is saying how they are literally lost and tells them they have gps so they can take them to where they want to go and the doll is just like this dumb new haunted doll…I gotta protect and nurture it before it dies from it’s naivette. Meanwhile an excorsist and some retrieval squad are tracking them down and they argue about what they’re going up against. Most of the retrieval squad don’t believe in the supernatural and thinks they found another defective android and the excorsist doesn’t understand technology that great so just assumes he’s dealing with two possessed items.
Exorcist: The power of Christ compels you Android: Error 666 Exorcist, crying: THE POWER OF CH
DarkestElemental616 