Tag: humor

barbara-lazuli:

geoclaire:

probably-voldemort:

ahallister:

olofahere:

probably-voldemort:

probably-voldemort:

So apparently my sister has had a fake girlfriend for the last like two years

Thanks for asking.

So the other night I’m sitting in bed studying or watching Netflix or just being a lazy bum cause I was sick, I don’t remember exactly, but Sam comes in and joins me in my bed.

“Kee,” she says eventually.  “I need to tell you something cause it’s gonna come up at the karate party, and I need you to know so you don’t act weird.”

And I’m like “Okay?  Why is something coming up at the karate party?  Why do you think I’m going to act weird?  Why does this matter?  You’re not even in karate.”

And she’s like “Yeah, but Eliza is.”

So I’m trying to figure out what the heck she’s talking about and I’m like “So?  What do you think we do at karate parties?  Tell our best friends’ deep dark secrets?”

And she laughs and is like “No, but I’m gonna be there as Eliza’s plus one.”

And I’m like “What?  We didn’t get a plus one.  What are you talking about?”

And she’s like “Yeah, but you’re allowed to bring your significant other and your kids if you have them, right?  I’m coming as Eliza’s significant other.”

So of course I’m like “What?  Since when are you and Eliza dating?”

And she rolls her eyes and is like “We’re not.  It’s fake.”

So from what I got, this is the gist of their “relationship”:

Once upon a time in grade 12, Sam and Eliza figured out a way to scam the system of conditional plus ones on invitations.  If you pretended to be dating, you could bring your best friend to anything that significant others were allowed to come to.

They’ve never kissed or done anything more than hold hands and refer to each other as “my girlfriend” on their dating adventures, and their “dates” are limited to parties where the chances of someone who knows they aren’t actually dating are low.  Apparently they’ve got a lock down on being each other’s plus ones to weddings, at whatever point they start getting invited to weddings that aren’t just them tagging along with their parents and weddings are super fun so they want to maximize the number of weddings they get to go to.

Their “anniversary” is around Halloween, since the first time thy tried their loophole was for a Halloween party for some club that Eliza was in.

So yeah.  I guess last year while Eliza was at uni with me and Sam was in a college in our hometown, there were quite a few times that Sam drove down and stayed at Eliza’s dorm for the weekend just because there was some party or event or whatever that Eliza was allowed to bring a significant other to and “Kee, it’s ridiculous.  Why wouldn’t you bring an extra person if you’re allowed to?  It’s like they’re just begging people to find this loophole.  We’re basically geniuses.  We get like twice as much free food.”

Apparently the only reason I haven’t been told until now is because Sam thought I’d judge her or make it into a big deal or something, and there really wasn’t any reason to tell me because there hadn’t been a situation where I’d also be there.

Until the karate party.

Because Eliza’s in my dojo and I was also going to be at the karate party.

So I had to swear on my eventual degree that I was not going to tell our parents or anyone else because “this is top secret, Kee.  It’s need to know only, and Mom definitely does not need to know” and to be chill about it at the karate party.

“So,” Sam asks, leaning back against my pillows.  “Who’re you bringing to the karate party.”

“No one.  I’m not dating anyone.”

“Lame.  You should get a fake relationship.  They’re great.”

So anyway their “dating” at the karate party was basically the same as their regular relationship.  They sat next to each other.  They shared food from each other’s plates.  It was pretty funny watching them field questions about their relationship though.

“So how long have you known each other?”  “Oh, since kindergarten.”  “That’s so cute.”  “I know.  We were both pretty cute when we were kids.  I don’t know what happened to Eliza.”  “Please.  I’m still adorable, and you know it.”

There’s this one dude in the dojo who’s been in a bunch of classes with Eliza and they’re friends outside of karate too and he shows up late to the party and is all “Sam!  It’s great to finally meet you!  I’ve heard so much about you!”  Because apparently Eliza’s told him about her “girlfriend”?  According to her, he doesn’t know it’s fake, and I’m kind of confused and Sam also looked kind of shocked that he expected her to be there so idk what’s going on there.

But yeah.  That’s the story of my sister and her fake girlfriend.  I’m sure they’ve got some funny fake-date stories but I don’t know them yet.

A couple other things:

• Sam and Eliza have been best friends since kindergarten and Eliza’s family lives just up the road from mine back home, so Eliza is basically another little sister to me
• I don’t actually know either of their sexualities.  I’ve never actually seen Sam when she’s got a crush or is into someone and we were never really into fawning over celebrities or anything growing up, so I don’t know who she’s into.  I do know she’s never been on an actual date outside of her fake dates with Eliza and that she hasn’t had her first kiss yet.
• And, considering I don’t know my sister’s sexuality, I feel like it’d be a little odd to know Eliza’s since, as far as I know, she also hasn’t actually non-fake dated anyone either.  Factoring in the group of kids they went through high school with, I’m really not surprised about any of this.  There really weren’t any good dating candidates there.
• That all being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if either of them were bi or day or anything, or if this was just them failing at transitioning from friends to more.  They would honestly be a cute couple if they were into girls and wanted to date each other.  So I approve, if that’s the direction this ends up heading.
• People from the events they’ve gone to as dates keep asking about them and they’ve been keeping up the charade whenever they run into these people or otherwise talk to them (why it wouldn’t be easier to just be like “oh we broke up actually” I don’t know but I had to swear I wouldn’t judge so this is just me stating facts and not judging lol) so apparently they’re going to have a photo shoot in a pumpkin patch for their two year anniversary??? so they can send these people pictures???  and I think as apparently the only person in on this secret I’m pretty sure I’m going to be roped into being the photographer??? which all could be seen as a little extra, but I’m not allowed to judge.
• Honestly this whole thing is ridiculous but I’m legally not allowed to judge but I never swore against waiting for the inevitable moment when this is going to blow up in their faces hilariously

Life, once again, succeeding at being both less dramatic and much weirder than fanfic.

One of these days, they’re going to end up getting fake-married, just to keep up the charade, and so that they can go on a fake honeymoon together, and I really want an update when that happens.

I mean tbh it’s quite possible haha. My sister keeps complaining that our cousin is taking too long to have her wedding because she really wants to go to a wedding and why don’t we ever get invited to weddings? So that plus the amount of free gifts you get from getting married could theoretically make this the next step in their plan haha. Or at least fake engaged so they can have wedding showers and then call off the wedding and never return the gifts haha

Please report back in like 1-5 years depending on how bad this slow burn is

my god this is better than any fake dating fanfic i’ve read so far