jewish dad jokes are next level my friend started dating a dude named elijah and upon meeting him for the first time her dad greeted him saying “oh it’s so good to finally meet you after setting a place for you every seder” like how can you top that
so tonight I’m at synagogue, listening to the Purim Night reading of the Book of Esther, like you do
and near the end of this chapter my brain presents me with the following:
nooooo ooooone plots like Haman calls the shots like Haman plans a genocide by casting lots like Haman
(It only works with the Hebrew pronunciation of Haman, which, like Gaston, is accented on the second syllable.)
By the time we get home my brain has added:
for there’s none so well-favored and kingly yes, we all can be certain of that he’s so rich that his pockets are jingly and he looks really sharp in a three-cornered hat
*face in hands*
Petition to sing this every year at Purim.
I shared this with my dad, and he added:
No one’s spruce as Haman, Nor abstruse as Haman; No one’s half as good tying a noose as Haman! He’ll use gallows in all of his decorating! No one else hangs as well as Haman!
niiiiice
i know several people who will definitely appreciate this.
this is beautiful
oh wait
When I was a lad I hatched four dozen plots Every morning, to raise myself high… And now that I’m grown I hatch five dozen plots So all those who oppose me shall die!
Happy Hanukkah, everyone, from these two jerks! I’m posting this a little early this year. Line art by the amazing Ro Stein & Ted Brandt, and colour art by @deecunniffe.
I want to point out what a technical achievement this story is on the art side. There’s a real joy to creating a whole story in eight panels, but this? This is some magic. We introduce four new characters. In panel 5, SIX PEOPLE are talking. SIX. In the world of comics, that’s almost un-doable.
Yet Ro and Ted arranged everything so the conversations flow and are sensibly grouped, all the “acting” is fantastic, and then Dee laid on top these beautiful, almost fairytale colours – look at the subtle work, the blush in Henry’s cheeks, Frank’s five o-clock shadow, the shine of the wine bottle’s glass surface, the light texturing in the backgrounds… and of course the snow! This is some first-class illustration work on an incredibly hard script. (I fear Ro and Ted always get me at my worst – my very formalist script for them in the 24 Panels anthology was no cakewalk either. (The problem is, they’re just so damn good at it… check out their work on the Image comic Crowded!)
I have literally had my gentile neighbors start two actual real apartment fires in the last MONTH because they can’t keep an eye on their cooking, meanwhile I light candles ALL THE TIME AT HOME and never set ANYTHING ON FIRE BECAUSE I AM RIGHT FRIGGIN THERE.
Do you know what I do with Chanukkah candles on?? I turn off my lights and watch them melt and maybe I do something with my hands but I keep an eye!!! On!!! THEM!!!!
It’s NOT that much of a danger. I live in an “adult” neighborhood of apartments (i.e. Not with college students) and again, people have caused two fires this month while making breakfast. One fire burned down most of the building next door to mine. regular old adults using a microwave or stove!
But when I light my candles for either Shabbat or Chanukkah I am WATCHING them. I have tin foil nearby, I have water nearby, my religious observances (which aren’t fulfilled by an LED light) are not, in my experience, the greatest fire hazard around. You know what is? People making breakfast people not cleaning LINT out of their dryer.
Also LED lights do not fulfill the Jewish obligations that candles/oil do. We literally cannnot use LED lights please stop suggesting this.
gentiles on this post have been weirdly convinced that they’re the only ones who know about decorative electronic menorahs and that they just need to educate the ignorant jews
What the fuck? If you want to have your candles go live somewhere those are allowed instead of putting others at risk and making everyone around cater for you.
today on Weird Goyische Meltdowns
The National Fire Protection Association reports “Between 2012-2016, U.S. fire departments responded to an average 170 home fires that started with Christmas trees per year. These fires caused an average of 4 deaths, 15 injuries, and $12 million in direct property damage annually.” but go off on the Jews for doing their thing.
Disgusting you should be ashamed of yourself everyone knows the cool sour cream with with the warm latke fresh out of being fried…..
Mmmmm now that’s Jewish art.
Anyone who disagrees is wrong, and has bad opinions.
**whispers** ketchup
SCCCCREEECCCHHH DELETE
DELETE
I like to think that I am a reasonable person. I can enjoy my latkes with the cinnamony sweetness of applesauce. I love to slather them with some cool, tangy sour cream. I’ve never tried the two mixed up, but I know some people who do that and I respect their choices.
However, it is an absolute certainty that people who desecrate latkes with ketchup have no place in HaOlam HaBa.
Applesauce and sour cream lovers NEED to unite against this BULLSHIT
I saw someone pour chocolate sauce on a latke and stuff it into their mouth at least ketchup and potatoes go together
I’m,, in tears rn,,, p leas e put me out my misery
Have any of you tried it with horseradish?
…l am intrigued by the idea of horseradish. In combination with sour cream?
There’s a relatively-new food truck across town that has been tempting me on Instagram with pictures of lox-topped latkes.
Latkes topped with an over easy egg and lox 👌 highly recommend
I mix syrup and ketchup together. #NoShame
I regret to inform all of you that the correct answer is caramelized onions.
We are fractious, and argumentative, and stubborn. We will argue about almost anything, passionately and at length, because if we stop we might forget to breathe.
Our hospitality is warm, and we will feed guests until they think they will pop. And then we’ll get them another plate, just to be safe.
We are practical, tied to the cycles of nature by our festivals.
Our stories and our art celebrate life, not to deny the darkness but
because it makes our candles’ light brighter by contrast.
We may not have invented dark humor, but we’ve elevated it to an art.
We have been crushed by poverty, but we are rich with traditions.
Our music is in minor keys, because we have a deep longing. We long for the home we were forced to leave, we long for the voices taken from us throughout history, and we long for the better days to come. We will help those days to come.
But somehow, it’s always the arguments that remind me how grateful I am to be a Jew and to be part of our community.
Everything in the world belongs to God, except the Torah. The Torah belongs to us. It is authority, but it does not speak with the voice of authority; it speaks with the beautiful voice of tradition and allows us the authority to accept and understand-like a good teacher.
I keep trying to not worry about rising antisemitism. Antisemitism is nothing new and if we up and left every time someone made a Jew joke, we’d never be still. And since I don’t have the means to leave the country, I can’t spend my emotional spoons worrying myself sick. But I also know that a lot of people who have tried to convince themselves of the same thing ended up murdered, and every community today exists because someone knew when it was time to get out.
I just got an email from my synagogue updating the congregants about new security efforts. We’re a small synagogue. Friday night services usually get around 15 people. We’re out in the boonies. We’re not fancy or rich. We don’t even usually do Saturday services because we’re too small. But the board unanimously decided to have armed guards at every service and event. Someone had already sponsored 6 months’ armed security for our Hebrew school, in case someone wants to come in and murder our children in cold blood. They’re talking of steel doors and a safe room, and self-defense classes for congregants.
Do you non-Jews understand? Do you understand the heartbreak and anxiety that we feel because we KNOW that these are practical steps for a non-zero possibility that someone will want to vandalize us, or set us on fire, or murder us and our children for no reason other than that we are Jews? Do you understand that this is happening in 2018 and it never went away? That your silence is complicit? That every equivocating tweet about “Zionists” and a philosophy you don’t understand, every time you defend kicking Jews out of your so-called progressive movements, every time you tell Jews that they’re basically white and privileged so stop complaining, it is another bullet in the chamber?
DarkestElemental616 