Sorry, I’m not up to date on the details of Star Wars outside the movies, but was R2-D2, like, Leia’s droid between the Prequels and the Original Trilogy? Whatever the case, I think I might need it to happen in a crack fic.
Because I’ve suddenly imagined R2-D2 accompanying Leia to her Senate meetings. In reality, it would probably be very dangerous for R2 and Leia. But I think it would be perfect for a crack fic.
Like, just imagine if Leia and R2 are just strolling around the halls of the Senate, with Leia ranting to R2 about something or other. And then bump into an older Senator by accident. And at first it’s all pleasantries and apologies, but then the older Senator takes one look at R2, turns a color that is not a good color for their people to turn, and then says in utter horror, “IT’S YOU!”
Because surely there must be older Senators out there from before the Empire, who remember that horrible little nightmare droid who tailed those awful Jedi around and occasionally Senator Amidala. (Like, there must be people out there who witnessed R2 blow up a building or even straight-up kill someone.)
And Leia’s like, “What? You know my droid?”
And the Senator’s got a hand over their heart, both to soothe themselves and a little protectively, and says, “My dear, I couldn’t forget that thing if I was dead. That’s the little bastard who set me on fire! Granted, it was an accident and it saved Senator Amidala’s life again, but still. She was far too fond of it! That and that debonair Jedi it belonged to!”
And Leia lights up immediately because oho, this is interesting. Meanwhile R2 is basically swearing up a storm trying to push her away. And the Senator has an expression on their face like, “Oh, damn, I shouldn’t have said that.”
Anyway, Leia accidentally figures out who her parents were because R2 is a memorable asshole that old politicians still see in their nightmares.
I want either that crack fic or an even crackier fic that goes like this:
Darth Vader: *walking down a hall in the Senate building, annoyed af that the Emperor is making him be here to intimidate people for some vote or another, scrolling clickbait quizzes or ship commercials on his datapad*
The sound of something clattering comes from ahead. Darth Vader looks up and sees a droid getting kicked out of a conference room, beeping explicitly and indignantly over just being lost, at the far end of the hall. The droid looks down the hall at Darth Vader. It’s unmistakably R2-D2.
Darth Vader: “…”
R2-D2: “…”
R2: *backs up one inch*
Vader: *takes one step forward*
R2: *SCREAMS*
R2-D2 whirls around immediately and flees around the corner. Vader is too surprised to immediately stop his old droid, but drops the datapad and books it after him (as much as DV can book it). What proceeds is probably a Star Wars version of the Benny Hill chase between R2-D2 and Darth Vader.
It ends in R2, covered in soot and scratches, barely managing to get away after causing enormous amounts of mayhem and property damage.
Leia: “There you are! Artoo, where have you been?”
R2: *beeps* (translation: “Out.”)
So uh
Excellent. This is exactly what I wanted.
But have you considered:
Vader almost undoubtedly understands Binary, and as Anakin had a history of treating droids as people. As such, he can carry on a full-on conversation with Artoo.
Leia, meanwhile, is the tremendously cleaver and highly mischievous daughter of a high-level Rebel operative who despite all his love and admiration for his daughter has to persist in keeping secrets from her, and would totally value, seek out, and keep quiet regarding the sorts of skills that would help her obtain more information than is readily forthcoming.
I.e. she would also learn Binary, and not let anybody know this but the droids she converses with.
What I’m getting at is: Vader encountering Artoo in the halls of the Senate, having a chase and a Basic/Binary argument about past history and its utter irrelevance save as it applies to suspicious behavior (on Vader’s part) and how Anakin-Vader is a complete prat who did So Much Shit and is on the Shit List (on Artoo’s part)—
—and the pair of them being so totally wrapped up in an argument over the comparative merits and lack thereof of the Jedi, the Sith, the Republic, the Empire, the Rebellion, and the man who used to be Anakin Skywalker (complete with cornering attempts and the occasional thrown/flung object) that neither of them notice Junior Senator from Alderaan Princess Leia of the House of Organa slipping into the room after her wandering droid and hearing the whole thing.
Following this post (months later because this got buried in my drafts lol), here’s some other things that are going to take DAV Anakin a lot of getting used to in the post-Empire galaxy:
The concept of regular time off. Not leave time, or the kind of spy “vacations” he and Kadee used to joke about, but just…leaving work at work and relaxing because…well, because he can. Not to recharge for the next mission, or to search for the will of the Force, or even for medical procedures. (“That’s what sick leave is for,” Leia tells him, more than once. “You have medical leave, and you have vacation time, and you have personal time. You can take time to just relax.”)
Having a salary. It’s not that Anakin doesn’t understand money. He used to do inventory for Watto and of course there’s a lot of accounting that goes into a war, so he’s actually quite good on that front. It’s just…never been his money before. He’s not quite sure what to do with it, after all the medical expenses and the food expenses and all the other necessities he hasn’t had to think about before are taken care of, and there’s still money left over. And it’s…a lot of money? Mainly because Leia insisted that the Republic would pay him at the same rate as its top military brass, which he still thinks is excessive, but every time he says that she glowers like she’s going to bring Palpatine back to life and then slowly murder him all over again with the strength of her eyes alone.
There are…a lot of choices. Choices for absolutely everything, even absurdly minor things like toothbrushes and laundry detergent. Choices are good, Anakin likes choices, sometimes they’re even exciting, but…sometimes capitalism is just exhausting.
Seriously, that salary thing. “They’re paying me more in one year than I’m worth at auction!” he snaps once in a frustrated thoughtless moment, and it will be years yet before he fully understands why Luke and Leia are so upset.
Saying no to a superior is actually an option now. If Mon Mothma asks if he’s available to cover a mission, and he says no, she’ll find someone else. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) she still has to place a strong emphasis on “if you’re available,” and sometimes she even has to remind him that he can say no. But she does remind him.
It’s not that he ever misses the damn mask, but sometimes he does kind of…forget that people can see his face now. That when he rolls his eyes during one of Admiral Brennan’s endless monologues, that’s not invisible anymore. (In fact, it takes him longer than it probably should to remember this consistently, and in the meantime Anakin’s array of snarky expressions during meetings become infamous among the rank and file of the Republic military and even many of the political staff. Simply put, there are memes. Intern Jan passes on the day’s schedule to Intern Marvash, who responds with a gif of Anakin miming slow death by boredom. It’s tagged #same.)
Sometimes, people flirt with him. This is not something Anakin’s ever actually had to deal with before – people generally respected Jedi vows under the Republic, and no one would ever have attempted to flirt with Darth Vader. Of course he did flirt with Padme, but that was always mutual and both of them were pretty earnest and direct people. It’s now been twenty years, four limbs, and full body third degree burns since Anakin even considered any of this, and the truth is, he wouldn’t consider it now, if not for Han directly pointing it out to him every time someone makes a pass at him. And, tbqh, for the longest time he thinks that Han is just trolling him. It takes Leia backing Han up to finally convince him that, okay, maybe the woman who wrote her com number on his napkin is interested. For some reason. He still can’t figure out why she would be. Leia and Luke, and even Han, look a little uncomfortable and oddly…sad?…when he says that, but they don’t really press.
Apparently, you need a permit for everything. This is also not something Anakin’s had to deal with before. “Jedi business” was pretty much carte blanche under the old Republic for everything from ignoring speed limits, to disregarding traffic controllers, to remaining blissfully unconcerned with trespassing ordinances. Darth Vader was accountable to his Master, often painfully so, but no one else was going to press him on the finer points of Coruscant traffic law. But now he needs a license to operate a speeder, and he has to pass a test to get that license. Anakin finds the test itself almost insulting, and Luke laughs at him for much longer than necessary. He cuts off abruptly, though, when Anakin points out that his Tatooine-raised Rebel pilot son also doesn’t have a proper Core World license.
Democracy. Democracy looks very different when you’re actually participating in it. Tatooine is a fully fledged member state of the Republic now, no longer a colony world. Change is still slow, though, and centuries of history don’t just disappear. But for the first time in his life, Anakin is a citizen. He and Luke cast their first ever ballots to elect Imer Moonspinner as Tatooine’s first ever senator. And, okay, maybe he helps the freedom network by calling in a few favors with a few contacts who take the necessary steps to ensure that the Hutts’ thugs won’t be able to prevent all of the newly freed people from voting, but that’s just…safeguarding democracy. He’s pretty sure that’s what Padme would call it. Leia approves, anyway, and that’s good enough for him. And when Imer wins the election and Anakin and Luke are there at her victory celebration, watching Kitster whirl her through the air as everyone around them laughs and cries at once, it feels…good. Like maybe they can actually change things. Of course, it’ll probably be only a few weeks before Imer is commiserating with Leia and Pooja about the still-all-too-corrupt Senate, but for now, the voice of the people has overpowered that of the Hutts, and that’s something to celebrate.
And maybe the biggest change of all: Anakin has a family, a surprisingly large family actually, and he doesn’t have to hide that from anyone anymore. There’s no law against him having a family, and no Master to threaten anyone he knows Anakin cares about. He can (and does) proudly talk to anyone about his amazing children Luke and Leia. He can reconnect with his brother Kitster and get to know Imer and their children. He can start to rebuild a relationship with the Naberries (Pooja first, probably). After a bit of rebuilding with Ahsoka, too, he can finally call her his sister and not have it feel like an immense terrible forbidden secret.
The first time he tells Mon Mothma he won’t be available for a mission because he already has plans with his family, she actually grins at him. It’s the largest smile he’s ever seen on her. “Good,” she says brusquely. “I’ll find someone else then. Enjoy your weekend with the family, Anakin.”
Because apparently I’m inspired:
The nice Sullustan man gives him a basic accounting datapad with templates to fill in, the kind they give brand new officers for whom this is their first real job. And Anakin is almost insulted. He’s not a shiny and he was helping his Mom balance Watto’s books when he was 7, for fuck’s sake, he knows how to manage money. But he uses the datapad, because why not, saves him the trouble of setting one up from scratch.
The first time he buys something that is not a necessity, or can be seen as a work supplies, let’s say it’s a piece of art he liked, or a racing magazine or something like that, he dutifully records the expense in his datapad, but he buries it in between the food shopping and the fuel (a few more credits for lunch here, a couple more litter of fuel there).
A few months later, someone, maybe one of the twins, maybe Ahsoka, maybe Kadee, sees him doing his accounting and notices something.
Them: Anakin, are you cooking your own book?
Anakin: …
Them: That are for your own record purposes?
Anakin, with all the dignity of a cat that just tripped and is pretending it didn’t: No.
I feel like it’s gotta be Ahsoka who catches him the act and calls him on it, because:
Kadee’s been watching him cook the numbers in reports to Palpatine for years, and that is basically her only experience with organics and their bookkeeping, so she doesn’t see anything unusual about Anakin’s recording methods.
Luke is still very much a boy from Tatooine and is probably taking this opportunity to make sure that Ahsoka will never get a glimpse of his ledger, which is also cooked to hide any and all evidence of personal preferences or “unnecessary” spending.
Leia is more amused by the realization of how he’s been keeping his books, but she also knew him first and primarily as a double agent, and therefore just assumes this is a holdover from those days, an ingrained pattern he’s never gotten out of. (Which it is…it’s just a much older pattern than she realizes.)
Han hears that Anakin’s been cooking his own books and just gives him a nod of respect, gutter kid to gutter kid.
Ahsoka looks around at all of them and comes to the horrifying realization that she may be the most well-adjusted person here.
…is it crazy I kinda want to see post-Vader Anakin being set up for a blind date?
The whole thing is Han’s idea.
When he first suggests it to Leia, he says he wants to do something nice for the old man, which as cover stories go is frankly terrible. Leia only raises an unimpressed eyebrow. It’s such a bad excuse it doesn’t even deserve a response.
Finally Han gives it up and admits that, okay, fine, he just can’t stand watching Rustbucket get flirted at every time they’re all dragged to some gala or top brass event. Anakin’s clueless act is just embarrassing, and worse, Chewie thinks it’s funny, that traitor.
Leia just goes on looking at him. Luke, though, says, “Uh, Han, I don’t think it’s an act.”
Han stares at him. “Oh come on, kid. No one is that clueless.” Then he stops to consider this, and who he’s talking to. Luke is a very friendly person, and very bad at recognizing the line between friendly and flirting. Half the Rebellion wants to date him and as near as Han can tell, he genuinely has no idea. But still… “Okay, fine, maybe some people are. But your old man was married. He managed to produce the two of you somehow. So he can’t be completely unaware of how these things go.”
Leia snickers at him. Han has the sinking feeling she knows something he doesn’t, but he knows better than to ask when she gets that look in her eye.
So he decides he’s gonna set Anakin up on a date, and Leia can laugh all she wants. He’ll be the one laughing when it works.
His first attempt is a guy named Rav who used to work maintenance in one of the hangars on Home One. These days he’s planetside on Coruscant. Nice guy, a few years older than Anakin, green eyes, a great ass. Han arranges the date at a bar so chill he frankly hates the place himself, but it seems like the kind of scene an older couple might enjoy. (Anakin’s only thirteen years older than you, a little voice in the back of his head says, but he ignores that. It’s too weird to let himself think about.) He tells Anakin that Rav wants to meet up and talk shuttle maintenance, which is such a damn obvious innuendo that he barely manages to restrain a cringe as he says it.
But hey, it works, and Anakin’s off to meet with Rav and Han congratulates himself on a job well done. Leia’s still smirking, but that’s just because she hasn’t yet learned what a great matchmaker he is.
Anakin swings back by Leia’s apartment about three hours later, early enough that Luke’s still there and Han is just a little worried. But it was only a first date, so…that doesn’t have to be bad, does it?
“How’d it go, Rustbucket?” he says.
Anakin shrugs easily and heads for the kitchen to start a pot of tzai. “Not bad. Rav’s got some great ideas for B- and Y-wing class fighters, but his views on TIEs are woefully misinformed.” He grumbles something under his breath. “I understand that there’s a need to bad mouth the enemy fighters in front of the troops, but you don’t need to buy into your own propaganda.”
Han blinks a little. Luke and Leia are snickering behind their hands, and for once, it’s real damn easy to see that they’re twins. He glares at them both.
“Well, all right, but…what about the, uh, social aspect?”
“Huh?” Anakin comes into the living room and sits in the chair across from Han and Leia’s couch. Han can never get over how the guy just…sprawls when he sits. It’s about the least Vader-like mannerism he can think of.
“Did you hit it off?” Han asks.
A brief frown crosses Anakin’s face. “I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind another chance to correct his opinions on TIEs.” Suddenly he brightens, “I did manage to get him the bartender’s number, though, and I’m pretty sure they’re going out this weekend, so I suppose that’s my good deed for the day.” He says this last very dryly. It’s something his therapist suggested, taking notice of his good deeds and letting himself be proud of them or something like that, and Anakin always snarks about it but Han is pretty sure he’s also following his therapist’s advice, so that’s something.
Anyway, that’s clearly not the important thing here. “Wait,” he sputters. “You…set Rav up on a date…with the bartender?”
Leia looks positively gleeful now and Han is pretty sure she didn’t plan this, but if it turned out she did he wouldn’t even be surprised.
Anakin, though, doesn’t seem to understand what’s got Han in such a fuss. “Sure,” he says with another shrug. “They made a cute couple.”
“I don’t believe this,” Han mutters. What kind of guy plays wingman for his own date? He scrapes a hand over his face and resolves to hold on to whatever dignity he can. “Okay, so Rav’s not your type, huh?”
Anakin only looks at him with an expression of such genuine confusion that Han can’t even convince himself the guy’s pretending. “My type of what?” he says.
A loud snort of laughter escapes Leia, and she tries to play it off as a sneeze. Han isn’t impressed.
“Never mind,” he mutters, and eventually the conversation moves on, but he knows Leia isn’t going to forget about this anytime soon.
*
So okay. Maybe he made a bad call with that first try. Maybe Anakin’s only interested in women? It’s a possibility. Fine. So this time Han will have to find the right woman.
He considers his options carefully. Luke and Leia’s mom was a politician and a founder of the Rebel alliance, smart as hell and also pretty damn stunning. (Leia definitely takes after her mother, he thinks, without the slightest hint of a goofy grin, no matter what Chewie says.) She must have had a terrible sense of humor though. Either that or she put up with Anakin’s awful jokes out of some never before heard of reservoir of patience and goodness. Actually, the way Anakin talks about her, that might be true.
So he’s looking for someone smart, driven, principled, but also somehow willing to endure endless terrible puns. That’s a tall order.
The first person he tries is Mon Mothma. It takes him a couple weeks to work up to asking her, because yeah, there’s nothing about this idea that isn’t awkward. But he’s got to admit, she does fit the profile.
So eventually he gets up the guts to suggest the idea of a date, and Mon Mothma laughs in his face.
Well, Han thinks, muttering to himself and wishing he could erase the last fifteen minutes of his life from existence. In hind sight, that was a pretty stupid idea. He’s never even heard of Mon Mothma going on a date.
“You’ve never heard of Dad going on a date either,” Luke says, smirking. Not for the first time, Han wonders what the hell he was thinking, making Luke his confidant in this. But he needed someone with more insight into Anakin, and he’d be damned if he’d ask Leia.
“That’s different, obviously,” Han says. “He spent twenty years inside a tin can.”
Luke rolls his eyes. “I just don’t understand why you won’t let this go,” he says.
“Because people are always flirting with him!” Han says. “And he’s always pretending not to notice. It’s infuriating.”
“It doesn’t happen that often,” Luke says, and okay, Han thinks, that’s actually true, but still. It happens often enough.
Luke sighs. “If you’re so stuck on that, why don’t you just ask one of the people who’s actually flirted with him?”
Huh. That’s not a bad idea, actually. Why didn’t he think of that.
*
It still takes him a while to plan his strategy, but eventually he manages to set Anakin up on a date with a woman named Meera Yasko. She’s Corellian, he’s pretty sure, but she’s also whip smart and pretty attractive. She’s some kind of attorney at a non-profit or something, and Han’s never been especially keen on people of the legal persuasion, but he figures Anakin might like that.
The old man takes a bit of convincing, but Han is a master of smooth talking (don’t laugh, Leia!) and eventually he gets them set up at a nice swank restaurant and even orders a bottle of wine for the table as a surprise.
*
Anakin comes back from this date a lot more excited, and Han experiences a fleeting moment of smug hope, only to have it crushed beneath Anakin’s heel when it turns out the man is excited for all the wrong reasons.
Apparently, Meera is the chief counsel at a non-profit involved in education for underprivileged youth, whatever the hell that means. They’re an interplanetary organization, too, but it’s not the organization itself that really interests Anakin. Meera has the legal background to cover all of the complicated bits about starting a foundation that Anakin doesn’t really understand (and Han understands even less, if he’s honest), and he thinks they might really be able to get this off the ground.
“Wait,” says Han. “This? What’s this?”
He expects a glare or an eyeroll from Leia and maybe Luke, but instead, they look as curious as he feels.
“Oh,” says Anakin, looking oddly shy. “Right. I haven’t told you yet. I’ve been thinking, well, they’re paying me all this money that I don’t need -” (here he raises a hand to forestall Leia’s usual protest) “- so I want to do something with it. And I thought… Tatooine’s free now, but there’s not exactly a uniform system of education, and many of the communities don’t have necessary supplies or access to training for teachers or -”
“Dad,” says Leia, “I think that’s a wonderful idea.”
As it turns out, setting up an entire school system takes a lot of work. Who knew, right? It also takes a pretty shocking amount of money, much more than Anakin’s supposedly extravagant yearly salary. That’s not a problem, though, because Meera helps him set up a fundraising program that’s frankly terrifying in its efficiency.
They spend an awful lot of time together, but it’s mostly in her office or over working lunches. Still, Han holds onto hope for a while. After all, she at least was definitely interested. He knows that. But after several months, he finally has to admit defeat. Meera and Anakin have a pretty great working relationship, and Han would even venture to say they’ve become friends, but he still hasn’t seen any evidence that Anakin ever realized she was interested, and it’s pretty clear now that she’s not thinking about him that way any more.
Still. The Padme Naberrie Educational Foundation basically exists because of Han, so he’s counting this one a win.
*
He keeps trying.
There’s a woman named Jasta who likes to dance and, apparently, has terrible taste in art. Not his best choice, but hey, Anakin managed to set her up with a guy they ran into at the art museum, and he seems happy about that, at least.
There’s Varin, who’s an active duty lieutenant in the Republic navy and likes to spend her leave time volunteering with animals. Anakin introduces her to the recently defected Admiral Piett, and damn if the two of them aren’t getting married about five months later. So that worked out, Han thinks, rolling his eyes. But hey, Anakin got a cat out of the deal, which apparently his therapist thinks is great for him, so…there’s that.
There’s Piett himself, which Han still thinks made sense in theory, because Anakin is clearly fond of the guy. But, looking back, he can admit that it’s pretty likely even Piett didn’t know this one was meant to be a date, and Han suspects Anakin may have agreed to the whole thing as an excuse to set Piett up with Varin.
His last attempt is a Twi’lek woman named Dinsa Atray who’s frankly just a little bit terrifying, but then so is Anakin, so Han figures it’s a good match. They actually start meeting up pretty regularly, and Han is starting to feel pretty smug about it, even though Leia still isn’t convinced of his matchmaking skills. But his illusions are cruelly shattered a few weeks later, when dramatic and disturbingly well-documented accusations of sentient trafficking and money laundering bring about the abrupt end of Senator Orn Free Taa’s political career and, eventually, the beginning of his exciting new prison career.
(“Well this was fun,” Han overhears Dinsa tell Anakin. “Let me know if you ever want to destroy a man’s life and reputation again. I’m always game.” Yeah. Maybe more than a little terrifying.)
*
Three years into his self-appointed quest, and Han’s sitting at the dinner table staring at an invitation to the wedding of Mon Mothma and Meera Yasko. He has to admit, he didn’t see that coming. He wonders a bit sourly if Anakin introduced them, too. Honestly at this point he wouldn’t be surprised. The universe is trolling him, clearly.
“Hey, Rustbucket,” he says, because no one’s ever accused him of quitting while he’s ahead. “Who are you bringing as your plus one?”
Leia eyes him with fond derision, and Han gamely ignores her.
It’s three more months before he finally gives up. But he’s not going to admit that.
“You know,” he tells Leia, “I think I can declare this operation a resounding success.”
“Really,” says Leia with a smirk. “Because from where I’m standing it looks like you set my dad up on a dozen blind dates, and he still doesn’t even realize he’s been on one.”
Han waves a careless hand. “Well, from where I’m standing it looks like Operation Get Anakin Skywalker Some Friends was an unqualified success.”
Leia’s face softens and she leans up to give him a lingering kiss. “That’s sweet, Han,” she says, and when he grimaces she laughs. “But don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”
hi i’m kitty i don’t know anything about star wars whoops
“What am I looking at?”
Lando leaned forward and laced his fingers together. “My taxes.” He paused, then gestured to Han. “Our taxes,” he corrected, with an unnecessarily rakish grin.
Leia squinted at the datapad. “Tax fraud.”
“Oh, no no no. Absolutely not. My accounting is impeccable.”
“I don’t see how it could be,” she said. “He’s a smuggler.”
“Hey,” Han began. He shut his mouth when Leia leveled him with a look. He opened it again to persist, but saw that Lando had a shit-eating grin as he watched their argument-in-potentia. Han glowered at Lando, and made him grin wider. Han huffed, hooking his thumbs on his belt.
“Legally, he’s a long-haul transport navigator,” Lando said, and Leia snorted. “Because he has a spouse at home—me—he qualifies for a higher income deduction as well as a few credits unique to the profession.”
“Wait, credits?” Han asked.
“Because he’s my dependent,” Lando continued, ignoring him.
“The hell I am.”
“That puts me in a unique legal position—not many people know about this, but in order to incentivize long-haul transportation, a spouse who claims a long-haul transport navigator as a dependent qualifies as a household caretaker, which is a kind of head of household that’s able to claim significantly more not only for themselves but for any other dependent spouses they may happen to have.”
“But his transport isn’t legal,” Leia said, fascinated. Han was pretending to understand the conversation, which would have been more convincing if he weren’t already fiddling with a kinetic sculpture on one of Lando’s shelves.
“It’s art.”
“What?”
“As far as my taxes are concerned,” Lando said, “Han transports art. They can’t prove that it isn’t. And I’m always careful to get the valuation right.”
“How do you know what I transport?” Han asked, indignant. A piece came off the sculpture in his hands. He looked down at it, then looked at Lando. He made a hasty attempt to reattach the piece. The entire sculpture collapsed. Han took his hands from it, and attempted to lean casually against the shelves with his elbow to block it from view.
“They call me,” Lando said.
“No,” Leia gasped, delighted.
“Yes,” Lando said, grinning again. “They know I’m his partner. They know I can’t be sure I’m getting my fair share unless I know exactly what he’s getting. So they call me.”
“What!” Han stood straighter, his brow furrowed and his face all twisted into an incredulous pout of anger.
“They might have been able to catch him smuggling,” Lando said to Leia, still not addressing Han.
“They would never,” Han sneered.
“But they’re never going to get him on tax evasion. There’s no way he would have been paying taxes on his own.”
“It never even occurred to me that he would,” Leia said.
“I’m right here,” Han reminded them.
“So you can see why I can’t divorce him,” Lando said.
“I don’t follow,” Leia said.
“My household caretaker status is the foundation of all of this,” he said, pointing to the datapad. “I divorce Han and the whole thing collapses.”
“Collapses how?” Leia asked, narrowing her eyes.
“Cloud City goes bankrupt.”
Han choked.
“How many people have you married?” Leia demanded.
“Leia, you know that you’re my favorite wife-in-law,” Lando said, “but I don’t think I’m comfortable discussing that aspect of my personal life.”
The pile of former-sculpture slid from the shelf, and clattered to the floor.
Han pretended not to notice.
This is GLORIOUS and also 100% in character for someone who allegedly doesn’t know anything about star wars.
DarkestElemental616 