The Imperial March playing from another room
John Williams
Star Wars#when darth vader is strutting through the flight hangar and you’re an imperial accountant 2 decks below x
I am not exactly sure why this made me laugh so hard, but it totally did.
Lmao. -clerk at desk looks up, looks at cubicle buddy- ‘We need raises.’ ‘Yep.’
Tag: Star Wars
This happened
He looks like he’s the one telling the joke
He tells that to Vader before getting killed
Following this post (months later because this got buried in my drafts lol), here’s some other things that are going to take DAV Anakin a lot of getting used to in the post-Empire galaxy:
- The concept of regular time off. Not leave time, or the kind of spy “vacations” he and Kadee used to joke about, but just…leaving work at work and relaxing because…well, because he can. Not to recharge for the next mission, or to search for the will of the Force, or even for medical procedures. (“That’s what sick leave is for,” Leia tells him, more than once. “You have medical leave, and you have vacation time, and you have personal time. You can take time to just relax.”)
- Having a salary. It’s not that Anakin doesn’t understand money. He used to do inventory for Watto and of course there’s a lot of accounting that goes into a war, so he’s actually quite good on that front. It’s just…never been his money before. He’s not quite sure what to do with it, after all the medical expenses and the food expenses and all the other necessities he hasn’t had to think about before are taken care of, and there’s still money left over. And it’s…a lot of money? Mainly because Leia insisted that the Republic would pay him at the same rate as its top military brass, which he still thinks is excessive, but every time he says that she glowers like she’s going to bring Palpatine back to life and then slowly murder him all over again with the strength of her eyes alone.
- There are…a lot of choices. Choices for absolutely everything, even absurdly minor things like toothbrushes and laundry detergent. Choices are good, Anakin likes choices, sometimes they’re even exciting, but…sometimes capitalism is just exhausting.
- Seriously, that salary thing. “They’re paying me more in one year than I’m worth at auction!” he snaps once in a frustrated thoughtless moment, and it will be years yet before he fully understands why Luke and Leia are so upset.
- Saying no to a superior is actually an option now. If Mon Mothma asks if he’s available to cover a mission, and he says no, she’ll find someone else. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) she still has to place a strong emphasis on “if you’re available,” and sometimes she even has to remind him that he can say no. But she does remind him.
- It’s not that he ever misses the damn mask, but sometimes he does kind of…forget that people can see his face now. That when he rolls his eyes during one of Admiral Brennan’s endless monologues, that’s not invisible anymore. (In fact, it takes him longer than it probably should to remember this consistently, and in the meantime Anakin’s array of snarky expressions during meetings become infamous among the rank and file of the Republic military and even many of the political staff. Simply put, there are memes. Intern Jan passes on the day’s schedule to Intern Marvash, who responds with a gif of Anakin miming slow death by boredom. It’s tagged #same.)
- Sometimes, people flirt with him. This is not something Anakin’s ever actually had to deal with before – people generally respected Jedi vows under the Republic, and no one would ever have attempted to flirt with Darth Vader. Of course he did flirt with Padme, but that was always mutual and both of them were pretty earnest and direct people. It’s now been twenty years, four limbs, and full body third degree burns since Anakin even considered any of this, and the truth is, he wouldn’t consider it now, if not for Han directly pointing it out to him every time someone makes a pass at him. And, tbqh, for the longest time he thinks that Han is just trolling him. It takes Leia backing Han up to finally convince him that, okay, maybe the woman who wrote her com number on his napkin is interested. For some reason. He still can’t figure out why she would be. Leia and Luke, and even Han, look a little uncomfortable and oddly…sad?…when he says that, but they don’t really press.
- Apparently, you need a permit for everything. This is also not something Anakin’s had to deal with before. “Jedi business” was pretty much carte blanche under the old Republic for everything from ignoring speed limits, to disregarding traffic controllers, to remaining blissfully unconcerned with trespassing ordinances. Darth Vader was accountable to his Master, often painfully so, but no one else was going to press him on the finer points of Coruscant traffic law. But now he needs a license to operate a speeder, and he has to pass a test to get that license. Anakin finds the test itself almost insulting, and Luke laughs at him for much longer than necessary. He cuts off abruptly, though, when Anakin points out that his Tatooine-raised Rebel pilot son also doesn’t have a proper Core World license.
- Democracy. Democracy looks very different when you’re actually participating in it. Tatooine is a fully fledged member state of the Republic now, no longer a colony world. Change is still slow, though, and centuries of history don’t just disappear. But for the first time in his life, Anakin is a citizen. He and Luke cast their first ever ballots to elect Imer Moonspinner as Tatooine’s first ever senator. And, okay, maybe he helps the freedom network by calling in a few favors with a few contacts who take the necessary steps to ensure that the Hutts’ thugs won’t be able to prevent all of the newly freed people from voting, but that’s just…safeguarding democracy. He’s pretty sure that’s what Padme would call it. Leia approves, anyway, and that’s good enough for him. And when Imer wins the election and Anakin and Luke are there at her victory celebration, watching Kitster whirl her through the air as everyone around them laughs and cries at once, it feels…good. Like maybe they can actually change things. Of course, it’ll probably be only a few weeks before Imer is commiserating with Leia and Pooja about the still-all-too-corrupt Senate, but for now, the voice of the people has overpowered that of the Hutts, and that’s something to celebrate.
- And maybe the biggest change of all: Anakin has a family, a surprisingly large family actually, and he doesn’t have to hide that from anyone anymore. There’s no law against him having a family, and no Master to threaten anyone he knows Anakin cares about. He can (and does) proudly talk to anyone about his amazing children Luke and Leia. He can reconnect with his brother Kitster and get to know Imer and their children. He can start to rebuild a relationship with the Naberries (Pooja first, probably). After a bit of rebuilding with Ahsoka, too, he can finally call her his sister and not have it feel like an immense terrible forbidden secret.
- The first time he tells Mon Mothma he won’t be available for a mission because he already has plans with his family, she actually grins at him. It’s the largest smile he’s ever seen on her. “Good,” she says brusquely. “I’ll find someone else then. Enjoy your weekend with the family, Anakin.”
Because apparently I’m inspired:
The nice Sullustan man gives him a basic accounting datapad with templates to fill in, the kind they give brand new officers for whom this is their first real job. And Anakin is almost insulted. He’s not a shiny and he was helping his Mom balance Watto’s books when he was 7, for fuck’s sake, he knows how to manage money. But he uses the datapad, because why not, saves him the trouble of setting one up from scratch.
The first time he buys something that is not a necessity, or can be seen as a work supplies, let’s say it’s a piece of art he liked, or a racing magazine or something like that, he dutifully records the expense in his datapad, but he buries it in between the food shopping and the fuel (a few more credits for lunch here, a couple more litter of fuel there).
A few months later, someone, maybe one of the twins, maybe Ahsoka, maybe Kadee, sees him doing his accounting and notices something.
Them: Anakin, are you cooking your own book?
Anakin: …
Them: That are for your own record purposes?
Anakin, with all the dignity of a cat that just tripped and is pretending it didn’t: No.
I feel like it’s gotta be Ahsoka who catches him the act and calls him on it, because:
- Kadee’s been watching him cook the numbers in reports to Palpatine for years, and that is basically her only experience with organics and their bookkeeping, so she doesn’t see anything unusual about Anakin’s recording methods.
- Luke is still very much a boy from Tatooine and is probably taking this opportunity to make sure that Ahsoka will never get a glimpse of his ledger, which is also cooked to hide any and all evidence of personal preferences or “unnecessary” spending.
- Leia is more amused by the realization of how he’s been keeping his books, but she also knew him first and primarily as a double agent, and therefore just assumes this is a holdover from those days, an ingrained pattern he’s never gotten out of. (Which it is…it’s just a much older pattern than she realizes.)
- Han hears that Anakin’s been cooking his own books and just gives him a nod of respect, gutter kid to gutter kid.
Ahsoka looks around at all of them and comes to the horrifying realization that she may be the most well-adjusted person here.
redcap3
replied to your post “Following this post (months later because this got buried in my drafts…”…is it crazy I kinda want to see post-Vader Anakin being set up for a blind date?
The whole thing is Han’s idea.
When he first suggests it to Leia, he says he wants to do something nice for the old man, which as cover stories go is frankly terrible. Leia only raises an unimpressed eyebrow. It’s such a bad excuse it doesn’t even deserve a response.
Finally Han gives it up and admits that, okay, fine, he just can’t stand watching Rustbucket get flirted at every time they’re all dragged to some gala or top brass event. Anakin’s clueless act is just embarrassing, and worse, Chewie thinks it’s funny, that traitor.
Leia just goes on looking at him. Luke, though, says, “Uh, Han, I don’t think it’s an act.”
Han stares at him. “Oh come on, kid. No one is that clueless.” Then he stops to consider this, and who he’s talking to. Luke is a very friendly person, and very bad at recognizing the line between friendly and flirting. Half the Rebellion wants to date him and as near as Han can tell, he genuinely has no idea. But still… “Okay, fine, maybe some people are. But your old man was married. He managed to produce the two of you somehow. So he can’t be completely unaware of how these things go.”
Leia snickers at him. Han has the sinking feeling she knows something he doesn’t, but he knows better than to ask when she gets that look in her eye.
So he decides he’s gonna set Anakin up on a date, and Leia can laugh all she wants. He’ll be the one laughing when it works.
His first attempt is a guy named Rav who used to work maintenance in one of the hangars on Home One. These days he’s planetside on Coruscant. Nice guy, a few years older than Anakin, green eyes, a great ass. Han arranges the date at a bar so chill he frankly hates the place himself, but it seems like the kind of scene an older couple might enjoy. (Anakin’s only thirteen years older than you, a little voice in the back of his head says, but he ignores that. It’s too weird to let himself think about.) He tells Anakin that Rav wants to meet up and talk shuttle maintenance, which is such a damn obvious innuendo that he barely manages to restrain a cringe as he says it.
But hey, it works, and Anakin’s off to meet with Rav and Han congratulates himself on a job well done. Leia’s still smirking, but that’s just because she hasn’t yet learned what a great matchmaker he is.
Anakin swings back by Leia’s apartment about three hours later, early enough that Luke’s still there and Han is just a little worried. But it was only a first date, so…that doesn’t have to be bad, does it?
“How’d it go, Rustbucket?” he says.
Anakin shrugs easily and heads for the kitchen to start a pot of tzai. “Not bad. Rav’s got some great ideas for B- and Y-wing class fighters, but his views on TIEs are woefully misinformed.” He grumbles something under his breath. “I understand that there’s a need to bad mouth the enemy fighters in front of the troops, but you don’t need to buy into your own propaganda.”
Han blinks a little. Luke and Leia are snickering behind their hands, and for once, it’s real damn easy to see that they’re twins. He glares at them both.
“Well, all right, but…what about the, uh, social aspect?”
“Huh?” Anakin comes into the living room and sits in the chair across from Han and Leia’s couch. Han can never get over how the guy just…sprawls when he sits. It’s about the least Vader-like mannerism he can think of.
“Did you hit it off?” Han asks.
A brief frown crosses Anakin’s face. “I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind another chance to correct his opinions on TIEs.” Suddenly he brightens, “I did manage to get him the bartender’s number, though, and I’m pretty sure they’re going out this weekend, so I suppose that’s my good deed for the day.” He says this last very dryly. It’s something his therapist suggested, taking notice of his good deeds and letting himself be proud of them or something like that, and Anakin always snarks about it but Han is pretty sure he’s also following his therapist’s advice, so that’s something.
Anyway, that’s clearly not the important thing here. “Wait,” he sputters. “You…set Rav up on a date…with the bartender?”
Leia looks positively gleeful now and Han is pretty sure she didn’t plan this, but if it turned out she did he wouldn’t even be surprised.
Anakin, though, doesn’t seem to understand what’s got Han in such a fuss. “Sure,” he says with another shrug. “They made a cute couple.”
“I don’t believe this,” Han mutters. What kind of guy plays wingman for his own date? He scrapes a hand over his face and resolves to hold on to whatever dignity he can. “Okay, so Rav’s not your type, huh?”
Anakin only looks at him with an expression of such genuine confusion that Han can’t even convince himself the guy’s pretending. “My type of what?” he says.
A loud snort of laughter escapes Leia, and she tries to play it off as a sneeze. Han isn’t impressed.
“Never mind,” he mutters, and eventually the conversation moves on, but he knows Leia isn’t going to forget about this anytime soon.
*
So okay. Maybe he made a bad call with that first try. Maybe Anakin’s only interested in women? It’s a possibility. Fine. So this time Han will have to find the right woman.
He considers his options carefully. Luke and Leia’s mom was a politician and a founder of the Rebel alliance, smart as hell and also pretty damn stunning. (Leia definitely takes after her mother, he thinks, without the slightest hint of a goofy grin, no matter what Chewie says.) She must have had a terrible sense of humor though. Either that or she put up with Anakin’s awful jokes out of some never before heard of reservoir of patience and goodness. Actually, the way Anakin talks about her, that might be true.
So he’s looking for someone smart, driven, principled, but also somehow willing to endure endless terrible puns. That’s a tall order.
The first person he tries is Mon Mothma. It takes him a couple weeks to work up to asking her, because yeah, there’s nothing about this idea that isn’t awkward. But he’s got to admit, she does fit the profile.
So eventually he gets up the guts to suggest the idea of a date, and Mon Mothma laughs in his face.
Well, Han thinks, muttering to himself and wishing he could erase the last fifteen minutes of his life from existence. In hind sight, that was a pretty stupid idea. He’s never even heard of Mon Mothma going on a date.
“You’ve never heard of Dad going on a date either,” Luke says, smirking. Not for the first time, Han wonders what the hell he was thinking, making Luke his confidant in this. But he needed someone with more insight into Anakin, and he’d be damned if he’d ask Leia.
“That’s different, obviously,” Han says. “He spent twenty years inside a tin can.”
Luke rolls his eyes. “I just don’t understand why you won’t let this go,” he says.
“Because people are always flirting with him!” Han says. “And he’s always pretending not to notice. It’s infuriating.”
“It doesn’t happen that often,” Luke says, and okay, Han thinks, that’s actually true, but still. It happens often enough.
Luke sighs. “If you’re so stuck on that, why don’t you just ask one of the people who’s actually flirted with him?”
Huh. That’s not a bad idea, actually. Why didn’t he think of that.
*
It still takes him a while to plan his strategy, but eventually he manages to set Anakin up on a date with a woman named Meera Yasko. She’s Corellian, he’s pretty sure, but she’s also whip smart and pretty attractive. She’s some kind of attorney at a non-profit or something, and Han’s never been especially keen on people of the legal persuasion, but he figures Anakin might like that.
The old man takes a bit of convincing, but Han is a master of smooth talking (don’t laugh, Leia!) and eventually he gets them set up at a nice swank restaurant and even orders a bottle of wine for the table as a surprise.
*
Anakin comes back from this date a lot more excited, and Han experiences a fleeting moment of smug hope, only to have it crushed beneath Anakin’s heel when it turns out the man is excited for all the wrong reasons.
Apparently, Meera is the chief counsel at a non-profit involved in education for underprivileged youth, whatever the hell that means. They’re an interplanetary organization, too, but it’s not the organization itself that really interests Anakin. Meera has the legal background to cover all of the complicated bits about starting a foundation that Anakin doesn’t really understand (and Han understands even less, if he’s honest), and he thinks they might really be able to get this off the ground.
“Wait,” says Han. “This? What’s this?”
He expects a glare or an eyeroll from Leia and maybe Luke, but instead, they look as curious as he feels.
“Oh,” says Anakin, looking oddly shy. “Right. I haven’t told you yet. I’ve been thinking, well, they’re paying me all this money that I don’t need -” (here he raises a hand to forestall Leia’s usual protest) “- so I want to do something with it. And I thought… Tatooine’s free now, but there’s not exactly a uniform system of education, and many of the communities don’t have necessary supplies or access to training for teachers or -”
“Dad,” says Leia, “I think that’s a wonderful idea.”
As it turns out, setting up an entire school system takes a lot of work. Who knew, right? It also takes a pretty shocking amount of money, much more than Anakin’s supposedly extravagant yearly salary. That’s not a problem, though, because Meera helps him set up a fundraising program that’s frankly terrifying in its efficiency.
They spend an awful lot of time together, but it’s mostly in her office or over working lunches. Still, Han holds onto hope for a while. After all, she at least was definitely interested. He knows that. But after several months, he finally has to admit defeat. Meera and Anakin have a pretty great working relationship, and Han would even venture to say they’ve become friends, but he still hasn’t seen any evidence that Anakin ever realized she was interested, and it’s pretty clear now that she’s not thinking about him that way any more.
Still. The Padme Naberrie Educational Foundation basically exists because of Han, so he’s counting this one a win.
*
He keeps trying.
There’s a woman named Jasta who likes to dance and, apparently, has terrible taste in art. Not his best choice, but hey, Anakin managed to set her up with a guy they ran into at the art museum, and he seems happy about that, at least.
There’s Varin, who’s an active duty lieutenant in the Republic navy and likes to spend her leave time volunteering with animals. Anakin introduces her to the recently defected Admiral Piett, and damn if the two of them aren’t getting married about five months later. So that worked out, Han thinks, rolling his eyes. But hey, Anakin got a cat out of the deal, which apparently his therapist thinks is great for him, so…there’s that.
There’s Piett himself, which Han still thinks made sense in theory, because Anakin is clearly fond of the guy. But, looking back, he can admit that it’s pretty likely even Piett didn’t know this one was meant to be a date, and Han suspects Anakin may have agreed to the whole thing as an excuse to set Piett up with Varin.
His last attempt is a Twi’lek woman named Dinsa Atray who’s frankly just a little bit terrifying, but then so is Anakin, so Han figures it’s a good match. They actually start meeting up pretty regularly, and Han is starting to feel pretty smug about it, even though Leia still isn’t convinced of his matchmaking skills. But his illusions are cruelly shattered a few weeks later, when dramatic and disturbingly well-documented accusations of sentient trafficking and money laundering bring about the abrupt end of Senator Orn Free Taa’s political career and, eventually, the beginning of his exciting new prison career.
(“Well this was fun,” Han overhears Dinsa tell Anakin. “Let me know if you ever want to destroy a man’s life and reputation again. I’m always game.” Yeah. Maybe more than a little terrifying.)
*
Three years into his self-appointed quest, and Han’s sitting at the dinner table staring at an invitation to the wedding of Mon Mothma and Meera Yasko. He has to admit, he didn’t see that coming. He wonders a bit sourly if Anakin introduced them, too. Honestly at this point he wouldn’t be surprised. The universe is trolling him, clearly.
“Hey, Rustbucket,” he says, because no one’s ever accused him of quitting while he’s ahead. “Who are you bringing as your plus one?”
Leia eyes him with fond derision, and Han gamely ignores her.
“Kadee, probably,” Anakin says. “She likes weddings. Why?”
“No reason,” Han mutters.
*
It’s three more months before he finally gives up. But he’s not going to admit that.
“You know,” he tells Leia, “I think I can declare this operation a resounding success.”
“Really,” says Leia with a smirk. “Because from where I’m standing it looks like you set my dad up on a dozen blind dates, and he still doesn’t even realize he’s been on one.”
Han waves a careless hand. “Well, from where I’m standing it looks like Operation Get Anakin Skywalker Some Friends was an unqualified success.”
Leia’s face softens and she leans up to give him a lingering kiss. “That’s sweet, Han,” she says, and when he grimaces she laughs. “But don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”
Personally, I don’t really see anything wrong with giving Luke to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. What else was Obi-Wan gonna do? (He pretty much raised Anakin and look how that turned out, he’s not gonna risk Round 2.) (He could have given both kiddos to Bail and Breha Organa, actually. Luke and Leia Organa is a cool as heck AU.)
I like Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. As much as people like to say Luke really is Padme’s son, he didn’t get those morals from her. (Keeping in mind I have read no comics or novelizations, and not seen the Clone Wars TV show) It’s pretty clear that Luke’s iron spine and goodness and refusal to abandon his friends come from his upbringing. Owen and Beru Lars are kinda the Ma and Pa Kent of the Star Wars universe.
And they are Luke’s family. Owen is Shmi’s stepson. Owen and Beru probably knew Anakin’s mother for years. It’s a neat circle, and in some ways it has the feelings of an apology, for Obi-Wan to bring Luke back to his family on Tatooine in the same way that Qui-Gon took Anakin. Obi-Wan can’t undo what’s been done, and he can’t start over, but he can give Luke what the Jedi denied Anakin: a loving family and normal upbringing.
Tatooine is Darth Vader’s home planet? Yeah, sure, but did Anakin ever go back to Tatooine? (Probably once or twice, I’m guessing, in the comics at least.) Darth Vader hates that place. Bad memories. Damn sand would fuck up his suit. He’d burn it all down and then the Hutts are gonna be pissed. And how many people actually know that Darth Vader is Anakin Skywalker? Like, about five? (Bail, Obi-Wan, Yoda, R2-D2, and Ahsoka?) Dude is not exactly getting invites to school reunions and the weddings of childhood friends, is all I’m saying.
Even if Darth Vader ever went back to Tatooine, Tatooine is a big place. The Lars Farm is in the middle of nowhere and Obi-Wan is hanging out left of the funky rock five miles past nowhere. Anakin met his stepbrother once in the entire film trilogy and idk if they even exchanged words, much less space e-mail addresses. I kind of doubt that Uncle Owen and Darth Vader are sending each other Life Day e-cards. (That’s really funny, actually.)
Anyway, the point of this rant is that I want you to imagine new parents Owen and Beru Lars caring for toddler Luke, it’s just after Life Day, and someone rings the doorbell. Owen Lars opens up to Darth Vader holding a fruit basket, because he didn’t know what else to do for Life Day and spontaneously decided to visit distant family rather than mope in his Evil Castle again.
(Everything Obi-Wan hoped would never happen, just… happening.)
Owen, after introductions, panicking, “Uh… the suit is… new.”
He has to invite Vader in, because it’s Life Day and how exactly do you tell Darth Vader to fuck off? Then Owen and Beru have a hushed argument in the kitchen while Darth Vader is sitting awkwardly in their living room with a drink that he can’t actually drink but took to be polite. When they come out, they introduce Luke as Luke Whitesun, Beru’s late brother’s kid, which they guess makes Luke… Darth Vader’s… nephew. (They can’t hide him, Vader’s already seen this 2-3 yr old Luke and the house is COVERED in baby and kid stuff.)
And Darth Vader just… fucking falls for it.
And the Lars family has to spend the holidays with Uncle Darth Vader who is super keen to have a step-nephew-in-law. Beru is showing off her cross-stitching to Darth fucking Vader as Luke plays at their feet. Owen is in the kitchen sending a desperate space text to Obi-Wan, who basically has a heart attack on the spot when Owen sends a shitty stealth-pic of Darth Vader on their couch.
Bonus points if the Lars’ don’t even move after this, because Vader left without issue and Uncle Owen afterwards was like, “It turned out fine. I don’t want to move, that’s too much hassle.” So, every major holiday, Luke gets a visit from his Uncle Darth Vader, which works out fine so long as they instigate a “Don’t Talk About Politics” rule when Luke starts getting excited about Rebellions and starts bad-mouthing the Empire (Vader making small talk at a Star Destroyer water cooler to his terrified staff: “Ugh, I’m going to have to debate my liberal 13-yr-old nephew at the dinner table again.”), and Vader even helps with the dishes and stuff, and every time Obi-Wan ages an extra year from stress.
Guys, please, the way this continues is that the general events of the Star Wars universe continue as normal (Leia, having literally just left a space battle: “Darth Vader, the AUDACITY of attacking an innocent diplomatic vessel!”) UNTIL the stormtroopers show up at the Lars Farm. (Luke is desperately chasing down the droids he lost and properly meeting Obi-Wan Kenobi.)
At first, it’s business as usual, y’know? Stormtroopers break down the door and interrogate the occupants and start prepping to burn the place down, and the leader is in the middle of shouting, “TELL US WHERE THE DROIDS A-” when he pauses and just… stares… at the mantlepiece.
Because on the Lars family mantlepiece and walls are, like, a hundred family photos and roughly half of them have Darth Vader in them. There’s Darth Vader wearing a Life Day party hat at a dinner table. There’s Darth Vader holding a toddler and playing with model ships. There’s Darth Vader and a pimply thirteen year old in the stands at the Boonta Eve Classic. There is a cross-stitched pillow on the couch that says OUR FAMILY on it, consisting of a man, a woman, a boy, and Darth fucking Vader.
Stormtrooper Grunt #1: “What… what… what the fuck.”
Aunt Beru, who has HAD it with these guys wrecking her house, already angrily jabbing at their space phone: “I am calling Mr. Vader RIGHT NOW about this.”
Darth Vader, excusing himself from the bridge of his Star Destroyer to take a call from his stepsister-in-law: “Beru. This isn’t a good time-”
Beru: “Well, MAKE TIME, because your stormtroopers broke down our door and tracked SAND all over my nice clean floors and they won’t stop yelling about the droids we just bought! You better have a good explanation for this!”
Darth Vader does not, actually, have a good explanation for this. The stormtroopers can feel his wrath from across the galaxy. It’s a work thing and he’s very sorry and he’ll make the stormtroopers fix their door, but he does really need those droids and could they hand them over, please? He’ll have the Empire compensate them. Yes, he’ll pay them back and send new droids. Yes, kicking doors down is very rude, Beru, you’re absolutely right.
So Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru promise to pick up Luke and the droids, and hop in the spare Landspeeder to go looking for them. Owen is Not Happy to find that Obi-Wan’s given Luke a lightsaber, and Aunt Beru is Not Happy to find out that the Empire’s made some superweapon. Of course they have to get these plans to the Rebellion! Yes, she promised Vader, but he should have told her it was for such a terrible thing! Yes, Owen, they’re all going to Alderaan.
So the Lars family runs away to Mos Eisley and get on the Millennium Falcon to Alderaan, while the stormtroopers are standing around like, “Are they… coming… back???” And Han Solo does not know what the hell is going on or what to do about the Weird Old Wizard talking about “universe-penetrating magic”, or the Grumpy Farmer who keeps trying to fix his “piece of junk” ship that excuse you does not need fixing, or the Sunny Farm Boy waving a light sword around, or the kindly old woman who is currently cross-stitching in his back seat and gossiping with Chewie like he’s not even there.
Later, after the Death Star’s been destroyed, Owen and Beru Lars are now a part of the Rebellion with Luke. Beru sends Darth Vader a piece of fabric in the Space Mail, and it’s the little cross-stitched Vader from her OUR FAMILY pillow who’s been cut out because she’s mad at him. (Except her note says DISAPPOINTED and that’s worse.) Darth Vader is more upset about this than the Emperor being mad at him for the destruction of the Death Star.
This is such a wild ride and I want more.
Please, kind writer, may I have some more?
See, the thing about Uncle Darth Vader is that the Lars family lives in the middle of nowhere Tatooine. Luke has to get his news off his friends, who have to get their news from shitty Space Radio, and the Empire’s suppressing a good three-quarters of the terrible things it does. The Lars family, largely, has no idea who this Darth Vader guy is except that he’s Anakin, who did a bunch of shit in the Clone Wars and he’s evil now? (Obi-Wan is dying, guys. He’s dying.)
Oh, yeah, quick summary: the events on the Death Star proceeded more or less as they did in canon. Except Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru don’t make convincing stormtroopers, so they tagged along with the droids and found the Death Star Laundry Service and dressed up as an Empire officer and his wife on their way to a vacation on Beach Resort Planet. Luke and Han sneaking Leia out is a lot easier with Admiral Lars and his wife loudly complaining to every stormtrooper they come across that their ship isn’t being fixed fast enough and sending stormtroopers marching off in every direction.
(The Empire… does not… have high standards… for officers. It is corrupt as hell. The stormtroopers look at this middle-aged, slightly chubby guy complaining obnoxiously about his ship not being fixed fast enough, and his overbearing wife complaining shrilly about not being able to get their deposit back, and are like, “This is legit. Also, sir, I’m part of sanitation, I don’t fix ships. I don’t know where customer service is… this is a Death Star. We don’t have customer service. Uh, I guess my ‘manager’ would be Admiral Bob??? Oh, well, you’re right, I should go clean up that mess you saw on the other floor. I will agree to literally anything you say to get away from you.”)
So, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru get to the Rebellion, right? (And they have already adopted the heck out of Leia, who has been given ALL the Aunt Beru hugs.) And someone starts listing off ALL of the awful stuff that Darth Vader has done, like, the dude is SUPER EVIL. And the Lars family is just… what. (And it’s a good thing that Obi-Wan is already dead by this point, or Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru would bring him back just to kill him again.)
Luke goes to destroy the Death Star and Vader is just like, “Luke???? What are you doing???” And Luke is ignoring all of Vader’s attempts to comm him and blows up the Death Star while giving his uncle the cold shoulder.
And later, at the Rebellion, people are like “Darth Vader is your uncle???” And Luke’s just like, “YEAH, AND A LIAR!!!” (Later, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru will have a long talk with Luke about the truth and the lies they told. And Luke will forgive them because he loves them and they love him, but this doesn’t really change much, especially about how mad he is at his dad.)
Later, when they finally meet again. The rebels are just… completely stunned… because Darth Vader is desperately trying to get through to Luke, like, “Luke, nephew, please, let’s just talk about this. Beru won’t answer my voice mails. Owen unfriended me on Space Chat. We can talk about this.”
And Luke is angrily shooting at Darth Vader and shouting, “What’s there to talk about?! It’s not like you LIED TO US ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU DID BY TELLING US YOU WORKED IN I.T.?!??”
“Luke…”
“YOU DON’T WORK IN I.T.!”
I couldn’t rest until I made my vision a reality, we don’t have enough content of luke being a badass
The Clone Wars lean really heavily into classical fencing, so I always get surprised at how differently Luke fights with a light sabre. If you actually watch his footwork and his body he’s very brutal about it. Less grace and more power. It’s such a beautiful contrast, whether it was intentional or not.
Which is to say: good fucking post OP.
100% certain han and lando once got married for a scam and forgot to have it annulled so they were technically married for several years and one day lando comes in and goes “real quick: are we solo-calrissian or calrissian-solo? also, i want a divorce” and han is like baby no where did i go wrong we can still fix this
#ostensibly it was for a scam but we all know the truth#they forget to get divorced until han is getting married again#do you think polyamorous marriage is legal in star wars #it has to be right#so han is accidentally married to like three people#and leia is kind of annoyed by this so he goes to lando#who doesn’t understand the problem because legally speaking he is married to a city-state#he solves a lot of problems by marrying them#he also creates a lot of problems but those are for future lando#not current lando who is currently explaining that he has built a complex tax scheme on his marriages#and his marriage to han is loadbearing#do you have any idea what this would do to his tax deductions han#it would destroy them#han hasn’t paid space taxes in years but it turns out he’s lando’s dependent and lando has actually been collecting a refund this whole time#han is offended and wants his refunds but lando is like no fuck you#if you did your own space taxes you’d be paying twice what i’m getting#i don’t remember anything about star wars
I’m so delighted right now.
hi i’m kitty i don’t know anything about star wars whoops
“What am I looking at?”
Lando leaned forward and laced his fingers together. “My taxes.” He paused, then gestured to Han. “Our taxes,” he corrected, with an unnecessarily rakish grin.
Leia squinted at the datapad. “Tax fraud.”
“Oh, no no no. Absolutely not. My accounting is impeccable.”
“I don’t see how it could be,” she said. “He’s a smuggler.”
“Hey,” Han began. He shut his mouth when Leia leveled him with a look. He opened it again to persist, but saw that Lando had a shit-eating grin as he watched their argument-in-potentia. Han glowered at Lando, and made him grin wider. Han huffed, hooking his thumbs on his belt.
“Legally, he’s a long-haul transport navigator,” Lando said, and Leia snorted. “Because he has a spouse at home—me—he qualifies for a higher income deduction as well as a few credits unique to the profession.”
“Wait, credits?” Han asked.
“Because he’s my dependent,” Lando continued, ignoring him.
“The hell I am.”
“That puts me in a unique legal position—not many people know about this, but in order to incentivize long-haul transportation, a spouse who claims a long-haul transport navigator as a dependent qualifies as a household caretaker, which is a kind of head of household that’s able to claim significantly more not only for themselves but for any other dependent spouses they may happen to have.”
“But his transport isn’t legal,” Leia said, fascinated. Han was pretending to understand the conversation, which would have been more convincing if he weren’t already fiddling with a kinetic sculpture on one of Lando’s shelves.
“It’s art.”
“What?”
“As far as my taxes are concerned,” Lando said, “Han transports art. They can’t prove that it isn’t. And I’m always careful to get the valuation right.”
“How do you know what I transport?” Han asked, indignant. A piece came off the sculpture in his hands. He looked down at it, then looked at Lando. He made a hasty attempt to reattach the piece. The entire sculpture collapsed. Han took his hands from it, and attempted to lean casually against the shelves with his elbow to block it from view.
“They call me,” Lando said.
“No,” Leia gasped, delighted.
“Yes,” Lando said, grinning again. “They know I’m his partner. They know I can’t be sure I’m getting my fair share unless I know exactly what he’s getting. So they call me.”
“What!” Han stood straighter, his brow furrowed and his face all twisted into an incredulous pout of anger.
“They might have been able to catch him smuggling,” Lando said to Leia, still not addressing Han.
“They would never,” Han sneered.
“But they’re never going to get him on tax evasion. There’s no way he would have been paying taxes on his own.”
“It never even occurred to me that he would,” Leia said.
“I’m right here,” Han reminded them.
“So you can see why I can’t divorce him,” Lando said.
“I don’t follow,” Leia said.
“My household caretaker status is the foundation of all of this,” he said, pointing to the datapad. “I divorce Han and the whole thing collapses.”
“Collapses how?” Leia asked, narrowing her eyes.
“Cloud City goes bankrupt.”
Han choked.
“How many people have you married?” Leia demanded.
“Leia, you know that you’re my favorite wife-in-law,” Lando said, “but I don’t think I’m comfortable discussing that aspect of my personal life.”
The pile of former-sculpture slid from the shelf, and clattered to the floor.
Han pretended not to notice.
This is GLORIOUS and also 100% in character for someone who allegedly doesn’t know anything about star wars.
I NEED AN ENTIRE SERIES STAT
DarkestElemental616 